A post I shared with friends and family yesterday..
5 years ago this AM, I woke, next to my husband, on a pull out couch in a family room connected to the NICU. I had to face the reality that this would be the last morning I would be going to my son’s bedside. It was the last morning I would hear my husband whisper “Good morning, I love you” to our son. No one knows the reality of pain and grief until you have to see the look of fear and helplessness on the face of your husband and know in your heart that you can never change it. Never take it away, Never make it better. It was May 16, three days after my first Mother’s Day. It was a Wednesday. It had been 20 days since we left our home in sweat pants and t-shirts heading to the hospital as I was bleeding. That day, we rocked, read stories, and just cuddled. At 4:19 pm, I sat in a rocking chair holding our son as a DR kneeled in front of my chair with a stethoscope pronouncing our son. May 16, 2012 1619 hrs. Despite it all, we are blessed as many families never get to hold their children, to feed them, to read stories. We have so very little but to us those 19 days are a whole life, The life of our only child. Even though you see us at the store, just us, pushing a cart of groceries. We are not a family of two. We are a family of three. We are parents, we have a son and his name is “C”. He had eyes of blue, curls like his father with hints of red, his mothers nose, his fathers feet. He was 39 cms long and weighed 1442 grams. He was a 28 weeker. I was in active labour for 15 hours before being taking for an emergency C as he was breech. Today, I had to watch my husband leave for work, crying and in pain. All I can do is be here when he returns and we will go and visit our son. To those that read this I do hope one thing rings true. If you are able to tuck in your child tonight, feed them supper and even if there is a tantrum, above all else remember you are the lucky one…..do not take advantage of your gift. To “C” with much love Mummy and Daddy..