What am I doing and what will tomorrow bring?
My three-day weekend is coming to a close. I will admit I have not much of anything. Housework. No. Cooking. Not much. Watching Olympics and movies. Yes. Over the past couple of years I have changed quite a bit. I no longer have to be on the go and doing. I often stay home and just be. I need different things these days.
After our son passed away. We got the looks, the comments behind our back. They do not act the same. They do not call, they do not visit, what do they do?
Well….Most people do not understand that we are not the same people anymore. Do you still feel the same way about things in life as you did at 25? As you did a year ago? As you did last week? No, I am not the same person that I was on April 26, 2012. On April 26, 2012, I was a pregnant wife. On April 27, 2012, I was a wife, and a new mother to a 12 week premature infant son. My priorities changed. As does the priorities of all new parents.
I think people expect that since we do not have a child at home to feed and clothe and protect that poof we are still the same people we were on April 26, 2012.
On April 26th I had not spent 19 days living in a hospital after having an emergency C-section. Nineteen days praying for the life of my son. Nineteen days fighting and pleading with God to protect him and give him strength. Only to have to turn around on that nineteenth day to beg God to take him from this earth so that he no longer had to suffer. That he had fought as hard and as long as he could and I had already promised him that Mommy and Daddy would be ok as they had each other here and would always be here. On that day I had not rocked my son to sleep forever more.
I remember a number of years ago a close co-worker and friend was losing her husband to cancer. She had a 5-year-old son at home. I remember watching her as she lived each day. After her husband passed away, I remember telling her that she had done well. She was strong and to never doubt herself. I told her that I could never have done what you do today and have done thru his illness. I was not strong enough.
Sometime ago I had to re-evaluate that comment. In many ways I feel very week. Unable. But…. I am not weak. I never have been.
I am scared shitless of the future. You know that picture you have always had in your head of what old age looks like. I haven’t a sweet clue what mine looks like because I am too scared to look at it. My plan was never to have 10 children or even 5. That is just not who I am. I have three cousin’s that each have 4 children. They are all beautiful. I just never saw myself being able to do it all. So we decided that we would love to have 2 children if possible. And then infertility crept into our lives. When we were finally able to get pregnant with C, I prayed every day. Please help us. Help us have a healthy child. Help us thru this pregnancy. Just this one pregnancy.
I do not have a test to show it but recently I have had some problems. I am 99% sure that between Jan 22 and Feb 1 I miscarried our second child. All you ladies with infertility know what I am talking about. When you have infertility you have it all written down. You know the signs. You know.
So tonight I sit and look ahead at this week and this month and this year. I tell myself you will do this. You will defy the statistic. You will have a rainbow.