How do I comfort my friend?

Since we received word last Wednesday morning that there had been an “accident”, we knew in our hearts what that meant. In a couple of my recent posts I have talked about my friend’s wife and how she has lost her way and took her life.

My husband and I have had many discussions over recent days. What can we do? What should we do? Yesterday, after the funeral I gave our friend a hug. I said the following words. “We are emotionally pathetic. We still do not have it together. But, that matters not. We are always no more than a phone call away. You want to talk.. Not talk. Need out of your house and want to visit ours, you want someone to come in and we just watch a movie. What have you. Call…”

Although our situations are completely different. They are in many ways the exact same. He will experience the huge sense of loss, the bewilderment, the unanswered questions, the feeling of why me, why us, why???? He will feel guilt, love, hatred, anger. He will be living the layers of grief.

Society has its own version of how and what. It is almost like they have an hourglass and in T-minus 3 months they turn the glass. When that first grain of sand begins to fall the opposite direction then we are no longer supposed to grieve. I am in my second year of grief. Soon will be beginning my third. Having read and spoken to many Parents over the past couple of years in different spots in their grief. First day, first week, First year, First decade, 20 years. As I knew on the day I laid my son to rest. This is my life’s journey. Grief is ever-present. You see the book you read him each night as you walk thru a book store. Your mother calls to tell you about neighbour so and so who is in early labour and has been rushed to the nearest hospital with an NICU. You walk thru the local Wal-Mart and see someone from your prenatal class. In September, we will have first day of school and you look at everyone’s first day pictures and are so excited for them. But deep inside you cry. You will never have one of those pictures on your camera. You hold it in all day until you reach your car and cry on your drive home from work.

Please do not think our life is ever sorrowful. It is not, we do have joy. We were blessed with a beautiful son. Soon, we will celebrate what would have been 2nd birthday. No, he is not here with us but all births are something to be celebrated. We will always do so in our home. All little boys love dirt and tractors etc. I have decided that this year we will have a construction cake with Oreo cookie crumbs to represent the “dirt”. We will also decorate his grave with balloons. Stay tuned in a few weeks for the picture. I sure hope I am up for the challenge and can make it look good!

Maybe I have answered my question. We continue to live as we do. We get up each morning and go to work, we pay the bills, and buy groceries. We have cake on birthday’s and light a candle on his grave on Christmas Eve. By doing each of these things we show our friend that our loved ones are important, they are a part of us, they are our hearts. We show our friend it is ok to grieve it is ok to feel. It is ok to love what you have lost.

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