I took this picture one Sunday at the lake a couple of years ago. I have always been obsessed with butterflies. I wore an opal butterfly pendant on my wedding day along with a pewter butterfly pin (my husband bought for me) tucked amongst the roses in my bouquet. I have two butterfly tattoos. I tuck them here and there in my crafts. If you were to come to my home, it is not fluttering with them but subtly here and there is always a hint of one. You just have to look.
They are a thing of beauty. Soft, wispy, colourful.
I am having a hard week. There are so many things for a wife, a woman a mother to have to face when walking my path. I woke up on May 17, 2012 knowing that the house was quiet and there wasn’t anyone there that needed me to look after them. Each day is a struggle. You are never yet ready to face tomorrow or to think of what tomorrow will be. Despite it all you continue to have hopes and dream of things that may come. For the past 18 months I have been wishing, praying, hoping, dreaming of a second child.
These past weeks I am scared to look in the mirror. What do I see when I look? A terrified woman unable to change what the future will bring. A woman who is not yet ready to tell herself to give up. A woman who wants to hear that inner voice saying you still have a bit of time. There is still that possibility that you can have a second child. I have had a few breakdowns this week. I get up and dress. Head to work. Cry in the car. I am sitting here on my afternoon break crying. I cried while I folded laundry last night. I cried at my appointment at the hospital last week with my Dietician. (I feel bad I think I scared her!!) The feelings of helplessness are back. Well, they never really left since my son died. I have always been someone who was in control of life and went with it. Yea I might not always know where I was going but so what I would get there eventually. And usually had an adventure on the way. My current adventure is not as much fun……. Thank goodness I not alone on this adventure. I have someone to hold my hand. He also has been through enough. I cannot lay all of these feelings as his feet. He is hurting, he is crying, he is scared too. I am unable to make it better. All I can do is love him.
The pendant, on the necklace I wear every day, is two hearts intertwined into a butterfly. The right side is yellow gold. That is me.. The left side is white gold. That is my husband. The butterfly that it forms. That is our son. That is our family.