Ever want to just run away?
My husband was working this weekend leaving me home alone. I had plans on cleaning, reading, laundry….basically nothing. Just being here to make his meals when he came home from work and being home. His cousin and her husband just happened to be going to the city for the day to pickup some things and called to see if I would like to get out of the house. So I said sure pick me up. Off the three of us went.
It was a lovely spring day. Drive was great, found what they were looking for and on sale.. Always a good thing. Then we went to lunch at a steak house. I know that I am completely over sensitive to the subject but I swear………..every second woman in that restaurant was either VERY pregnant or carrying an infant car seat. As a woman and a mother you are so happy to see them and have that flutter deep down that soon those new Mommies will be experiencing all the love and wonders of a new baby. Then there is that gut wrenching heartache. The one that reminds you that you will not be. Probably will never be again. It is beyond measure. I sat waiting for our number to be called. I sat with my head down, my hands in my lap. I cannot make eye contact. I was daydreaming.. Anything to keep my mind somewhere else. To be somewhere else. I have no idea what B said to me while we waited. I just had to keep distant so that I will not completely break down in the middle of a restaurant.
Tomorrow is April. Twenty-six days from tomorrow would be my son`s second birthday. I should be planning a party. Worrying about what is the right gift to get him. Instead I am looking for a hotel so that I can leave town on Easter. We need to just be somewhere else. To be able to just get up and go or else just stay in our room and order pizza. Just be where no one knows who you are and you do not have to deflect questions and conversation. Lately, I get up each day and wonder what are we supposed to do with the rest of our lives. I feel like I have failed my husband. I cannot provide him with first days of school, the Easter Bunny, watching a baseball game, seeing him play basketball for the first time.
Everyone always tells us oh your miracle will happen…. He already did. His name is “C“. Are we really supposed to ask for a second miracle…do we have that right.