Ever want to just run away?

My husband was working this weekend leaving me home alone. I had plans on cleaning, reading, laundry….basically nothing. Just being here to make his meals when he came home from work and being home. His cousin and her husband just happened to be going to the city for the day to pickup some things and called to see if I would like to get out of the house. So I said sure pick me up. Off the three of us went.

It was a lovely spring day. Drive was great, found what they were looking for and on sale.. Always a good thing. Then we went to lunch at a steak house. I know that I am completely over sensitive to the subject but I swear………..every second woman in that restaurant was either VERY pregnant or carrying an infant car seat. As a woman and a mother you are so happy to see them and have that flutter deep down that soon those new Mommies will be experiencing all the love and wonders of a new baby. Then there is that gut wrenching heartache. The one that reminds you that you will not be. Probably will never be again. It is beyond measure. I sat waiting for our number to be called. I sat with my head down, my hands in my lap. I cannot make eye contact. I was daydreaming.. Anything to keep my mind somewhere else. To be somewhere else. I have no idea what B said to me while we waited. I just had to keep distant so that I will not completely break down in the middle of a restaurant.

Tomorrow is April. Twenty-six days from tomorrow would be my son`s second birthday. I should be planning a party. Worrying about what is the right gift to get him. Instead I am looking for a hotel so that I can leave town on Easter. We need to just be somewhere else. To be able to just get up and go or else just stay in our room and order pizza. Just be where no one knows who you are and you do not have to deflect questions and conversation. Lately, I get up each day and wonder what are we supposed to do with the rest of our lives. I feel like I have failed my husband. I cannot provide him with first days of school, the Easter Bunny, watching a baseball game, seeing him play basketball for the first time.

Everyone always tells us oh your miracle will happen…. He already did. His name is “C“.  Are we really supposed to ask for a second miracle…do we have that right.


4 responses

  1. Of course you can ask. You have that right. I am asking for you in case you don’t feel right asking yet yourself.

    If Carter were here today and you longed to give him a sibling, to have a second miracle, you would or should not feel that is not your right to ask, to try, to hope. At least I feel that way and I don’t think I’m offending God or nature believing I’m meant to mother another child and trying to help that wish come true. I feel and believe the same for you. And I’m going to keep you in my thoughts and prayers unless or until you tell me otherwise.

    I’m sorry for your suffering at the steakhouse. And in April, at Easter, and always.

    April 1, 2014 at 6:59 am

    • Jo

      Thank you. I am so very glad that I started this blog. It means so much to have had the oportunity to connect with you and others. There are no words to express what it means to be able to just be and write down my feelings and in return to be able to see and read about yours. It brings a sort of inner peace, an understanding.. I am now crying. You are also in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that we all get our miracles. Hugs to you across the miles!

      April 1, 2014 at 7:58 am

  2. Sadie

    I completely agree, you absolutely have the right to ask/hope/wish for a second miracle. A second child will be different, obviously it will not be Carter, but it will be just as special in its own way. It will be your second miracle, and you, and every parent for that matter, deserves the miracle of children regardless of how many past loses.

    I also was really touched by your comment about feeling like you have failed your husband. Although different circumstances, I feel the same way. We both always knew we wanted to have children, and so far that’s not part of our journey. Its one thing to fail myself, but its an entirely different thing to fail my husband. I don’t have any great advice to offer on this, but thought I’d let you know that you are not alone in that feeling.

    April 1, 2014 at 12:16 pm

    • Jo

      Thank you. Not that I wish to have anyone on this journey with me, but it is very comforting to know that there are others out there.

      April 1, 2014 at 7:45 pm

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