Ok…you caught me I am holding out information

Ok. I began my blogging in journey in January. For sometime I had been searching for, needing more out of my connections with other families in our situation. I was not getting those connections from the sites that I belonged to. Just in the short time I have been blogging I have found more help, support, information, friendship etc than one could have imagined. Thank you all so much.

But in saying that I still feel timid and at times feel that my inner most thoughts could potentially scare someone! Hahaha.. Yes, I know the ordinary person reading this who has not experienced the loss of a child would not be able to in most ways relate.

Today I am going to bare all. I will give a run down of my weekend.

April brings with it many good and wonderful things in our home along with a number of sorrowful things.

My grandfather was born April 7th
My husband’s Grandparents were married April 15th
My husband’s uncle (one that he holds most dear) was hurt in an accident 4 years ago last week and came home from the hospital on the 10th of April that year.
My husband’s Grandfather passed away on April 20
Our Son’s birthday is April 27th

Having said all that you kind of know what we are facing this month. Last Thursday evening, my husband’s aunt (sister to my MIL) was admitted to the hospital and is currently in ICU. In the morning, yesterday we were told that she is critical and at this moment are awaiting results of tests that were performed this afternoon. Friday evening I worked until 7 pm, I then went to the hospital to sit with our cousins. I got home at 9:30 that evening to get my husband his supper, and say goodnight as he was working this weekend and had to be up at 3:40 Saturday morning. I spent the rest of the evening working on making wedding invitations for my sister.

Saturday morning, I had an appointment in town for 9 am. I came home to wait for phone calls in regards to our Aunt. I did some laundry, got my husband his lunch. I was on the computer searching for a number of items when my Mother called and had a meltdown on the phone, giving me more stress about this wedding. I am not the bride. I am the sister. Just trying to help and I might add… I am the sister who has enough stress without having more dumped at my door. Words were exchanged in regards to that with my mother….. We received word at 1 pm Aunt was being taken into OR for a procedure. I headed to the hospital to sit with family until 9 pm that evening. During this time one of the cousins (mother to the boy born right after C) is talking about the birthday party and what she will do and it is an all day thing etc etc.. I just smile. I cannot answer. How do you convey that is nice and not look like an ass or FREAK out at this point as you cannot handle it? Later on I fell asleep on couch and woke up at 3:20 AM just before husband was going to get ready for work.

Sunday AM. Parents came to our place to eat lunch. Got phone call from Cousin at 1:15 pm things were critical and waiting for word to have her moved to another hospital 3 hours away. I went to hospital at 2:30 to sit with family. Was at hospital until 7. In the end they did not send her, she was scheduled for a test this AM at another hospital 1 hour away. It was also our Cousin’s anniversary. So I rushed home, picked up supper on the way. We got ready and went to visit cousins for cake. This cousin is the Grandmother to the baby that was born 8 days after our son. So given that over the course of the weekend there have been conversations of 2nd birthday parties, what to do and what the Easter Bunny is bringing. ETC. At times I am sure I look indifferent but that is what I must do to maintain not breaking down… Last evening she sits beside me on the couch with her tablet.. It has hundreds of pictures and videos of him on it.. She proceeds to begin to show me all of this. I cannot handle it. I am getting stressed. I smile, say that is nice, nod and keep thinking in my head I NEED OUT OF HERE NOW! I turn to my husband. “We should be going as I need to finish those invitations..” I wait a couple more minutes. Now I am desperate.. “We really should go, now. I need to get those done tonight.” I am thinking everything anything to get me out of here. Whew… He takes the bait. We are putting on our coats and heading home. THANK GOODNESS!

When I got home I spent two more hours finishing wedding invitations and finally it is 12:10 Monday morning and time for bed.

Also, while at the hospital I ran into a friend from work whose husband is dying of cancer. It is nearing the end. It has been a long road. We talked several times in the hall this weekend. Saturday she was telling me about a friend of her’s who is 41 and going this week for IVF. We chatted about that some and I told her to tell her good luck from one infertile to another. It will be a hard scary road but nothing she cannot handle as she is one of us and already been through LOTS!

Who knows if I was able to maintain the air of caring and sharing. Not that it is intentional but each and every cute video I see of this child rips my heart out. I should have a few of those of my own to show and brag about.. I should be doing any and all of this. I want and need so very much for their family to enjoy EACH AND EVERY second of him because they really do not know just how very lucky they are to have any of these times. She was saying how tired she was yesterday as he got up at 6:30 in the morning. Awesome! I would give my life to be able to get up at 3:30 and play blocks with my son, to watch TV or cuddle with him until he falls back to sleep.

Our life is not very exciting. At times mostly random. I will be honest MANY times this weekend I wanted to scream WAKE UP and at times BE QUIET. I know not very nice of me. But as I said earlier in this post. I will be completely honest. That is exactly how I felt! Last night while looking at those pictures I so very much-needed and wanted to say……………….”Do you have any idea whatsoever how very hard it is for me to just sit here and look at 1 or 2 pictures let alone a complete album. My son is buried 100 feet from this house. I am not taking him home with me tonight. I am not planning what cake I will order for his 2nd birthday. He isn’t here eating cake with your grandchild. I most likely will not be to the party. I cannot sit there and smile and eat cake and pretend to be happy. I am not. I am sad, I am pissed off, I am angry, I am in pain.”

Hahahahaha probably would be better to keep that to myself right!

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One response

  1. Sadie

    Wishing you the best as you get through this very difficult month!

    April 15, 2014 at 11:25 am

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