Not Even My Mother Understands

 

We are away for the weekend.  Holidays do not have the same feeling as they once did.  We often just feel the need to get out-of-town and have us time.  Time to go for a walk, eat dinner, go to the mall.  Just to be anonymous…  or as I like to say invisible.  Perhaps it sounds odd.

My parents are also away with us.  They are across town at a different hotel.  After we had supper this evening we were walking through the mall.  I saw someone who I haven`t seen in years.  He is married to a woman I grew up with.  Went to school with.  I did not want to see her.  So, I said to my parents keep moving,  hurry up………….

It is hard to explain.  Most of you will know this feeling this need.  I just am not able to see and speak to people.  I suffer from anxiety at times.  I do not like that feeling.  The one where you run into someone from your past….and they are surveying you.  Checking you over. You can read it in their eyes.  The calculated look……

I said to Mother, she would not talk to me anyway….  My Mother responds Well she has no problem speaking to me.  You’re the one that does not talk to people.  I have been with many people and you come along and just to not speak.  I asked her what she was talking about…..No, I am not like I once was.  I always say hello.  But. I am not able to handle a lot of interaction. I cannot handle conversations about this ones new Grandbaby this and so and so that is pregnant.  I shut down in these conversations.  It is how I protect myself.

In the middle of the mall this evening my Mother called me a snob.   Yes, my own Mother has not a sweet clue what is like to just want to crawl in a hole away from the prying eyes of society.  My Mother has not got a sweet clue what it felt like being at the grocery store with my husband and having a childhood friend of ours RUN.  I mean run down the aisle, to the lobby with her shopping car and out the door to her car to get away from us so that she did not have to face us. To not have to talk to us.  I am fairly sure that I do not imagine and dream the looks, the whispers behind our back about us…

I have never been one that was part of the popular crowd.  Truth be known it was not like that in my teen years.  I do not remember so much of the defined groups like it is now.  I am friendly with everyone.  I speak to everyone.  I am no longer as outgoing as I once was.  I am not able to be.  I used to plan a Family Fun Day for my company every year with minimum 200 people.  I used to organize luncheons at work all of the time.  I cannot do these things anymore.  It is too much for me.

My own Mother does not understand.   I do not choose to be this way.  I did not choose to be who I am.  If it had been my choice I would be in throes of planning a second birthday party for my son.  Not standing in the middle of a mall 9 days before his birthday hurt beyond words because my Mother thinks I am a snob.  Not the depressed, grief-stricken, lonely, terrified, anxious Mother who is trying to prepare herself the second anniversary of the day her Grandson passed away.

 

 

 

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12 responses

  1. 😦 I’m so sorry. You are not a snob. You are a grieving mother. I know what this does to a person. My brother lost his son at the age of 14. You are a very brave, strong, and courageous woman. I have no idea how you and my brother do it. Can’t even imagine.

    April 18, 2014 at 11:18 pm

    • Jo

      Thank you for your kind words.

      April 21, 2014 at 11:44 am

      • No thanks needed. Sending lots of sunshine and many hugs your way. As I know, there are no words to make it better. Just know you do have people out here who care. HUGS and SUNSHINE!

        April 21, 2014 at 6:08 pm

      • Jo

        Hugs to you!

        April 22, 2014 at 8:00 am

      • Thank you. Sending another dose of sunshine and big HUGS your way, for today. 🙂

        April 22, 2014 at 4:22 pm

  2. I am so sorry for your ongoing struggles. I wish I had some great advice to give you; but, since I don’t I’ll just wish you all the best getting through the rest of this month.

    April 18, 2014 at 11:58 pm

    • Jo

      Thank you very much

      April 19, 2014 at 8:38 am

  3. Take all the time you need. Don’t worry about being a snob. It is tough. When I see people I have not seen for a while, I have to tell them about Richie`s passing. It is like reliving that day all over again. I to have learn the duck and dodge move. Maybe in time we will both be better but for now, this is the way we grieve and no one can tell us it is wrong. I will continue to pray for you.

    April 19, 2014 at 12:50 am

    • Jo

      Thank you for your kind words. Hugs and thinking of you as well!

      April 19, 2014 at 8:39 am

  4. Thinking of you 😦

    April 19, 2014 at 7:45 am

  5. Your mother should know better. I’m sorry she exacerbated your pain like that, not okay! And as always, I am sorry you have to endure this. Thinking of you.

    April 21, 2014 at 10:23 am

    • Jo

      Thank you.. I guess even as time goes on it is hard to have to face the reality that not one person in our family or group of friends truely understands. I mean, we know this but yet in ways it is still a surprise.

      April 21, 2014 at 10:25 am

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