Not Even My Mother Understands
We are away for the weekend. Holidays do not have the same feeling as they once did. We often just feel the need to get out-of-town and have us time. Time to go for a walk, eat dinner, go to the mall. Just to be anonymous… or as I like to say invisible. Perhaps it sounds odd.
My parents are also away with us. They are across town at a different hotel. After we had supper this evening we were walking through the mall. I saw someone who I haven`t seen in years. He is married to a woman I grew up with. Went to school with. I did not want to see her. So, I said to my parents keep moving, hurry up………….
It is hard to explain. Most of you will know this feeling this need. I just am not able to see and speak to people. I suffer from anxiety at times. I do not like that feeling. The one where you run into someone from your past….and they are surveying you. Checking you over. You can read it in their eyes. The calculated look……
I said to Mother, she would not talk to me anyway…. My Mother responds Well she has no problem speaking to me. You’re the one that does not talk to people. I have been with many people and you come along and just to not speak. I asked her what she was talking about…..No, I am not like I once was. I always say hello. But. I am not able to handle a lot of interaction. I cannot handle conversations about this ones new Grandbaby this and so and so that is pregnant. I shut down in these conversations. It is how I protect myself.
In the middle of the mall this evening my Mother called me a snob. Yes, my own Mother has not a sweet clue what is like to just want to crawl in a hole away from the prying eyes of society. My Mother has not got a sweet clue what it felt like being at the grocery store with my husband and having a childhood friend of ours RUN. I mean run down the aisle, to the lobby with her shopping car and out the door to her car to get away from us so that she did not have to face us. To not have to talk to us. I am fairly sure that I do not imagine and dream the looks, the whispers behind our back about us…
I have never been one that was part of the popular crowd. Truth be known it was not like that in my teen years. I do not remember so much of the defined groups like it is now. I am friendly with everyone. I speak to everyone. I am no longer as outgoing as I once was. I am not able to be. I used to plan a Family Fun Day for my company every year with minimum 200 people. I used to organize luncheons at work all of the time. I cannot do these things anymore. It is too much for me.
My own Mother does not understand. I do not choose to be this way. I did not choose to be who I am. If it had been my choice I would be in throes of planning a second birthday party for my son. Not standing in the middle of a mall 9 days before his birthday hurt beyond words because my Mother thinks I am a snob. Not the depressed, grief-stricken, lonely, terrified, anxious Mother who is trying to prepare herself the second anniversary of the day her Grandson passed away.