How I feel, 2 years after the loss of our son

Today marks the 2nd anniversary of the loss of our son. At 4:20 pm on May 16th, 2012, the DR. knelt down beside me and pronounced him. He lay wrapped in a flannel blanket hooked to 2 shunts, 6 IV lines, 3 IV pumps, C-PAP, a heart rate monitor, and a temperature monitor.

There are too many emotions to describe. I feel the overwhelming sense of loss, the emptiness, grief, hopelessness, and want to name a few. I just want to go home. I am tired of being at my desk. I do not want to talk to anyone.

Tonight, I will go and light a candle at his grave. I will talk to him. As will his father. We will check his tulips, which are in full bloom on his grave today. We will spend time together as a family.

I read much and tried to learn after he was gone. I will not try to discourage you from your own journey and path. I will be honest. The emotions and feelings are much the same. Anyone that tells you it will get easier that you will move on has, in my opinion, never buried their child. Yes, you will live, you will go to work, you will go about your life because you must. But there, behind your eyes, it is there. Where no one else can see. Each of your feelings still exist. I mean…….. Why would anyone every think that you would feel differently, a day, a month, a year, a decade later? The fact has not changed. You are still that Mother with empty arms.

As you wish C.


9 responses

  1. Jo,

    Sending my deepest sympathy, love and gentle wishes for a peaceful visit with Carter for you and his Daddy tonight. I am so sorry, sweet mama. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    May 16, 2014 at 5:32 pm

  2. I know there is nothing I can say that will make a difference so I won’t try, other then to say I’m thinking of you today.

    May 16, 2014 at 8:35 pm

    • Jo

      Thank you

      May 17, 2014 at 10:47 am

  3. Sending up prayers for you. Thank you for sharing.

    May 17, 2014 at 12:54 am

    • Jo

      Thank you.

      May 17, 2014 at 10:47 am

  4. I can feel the pain in your words as reflections of what is happening in your hearts. I am very sorry. I can only imagine how this feels, I do not know it. My heart aches for you today. You are brave to share this very tender day with all of us. Hugs and peace.

    May 17, 2014 at 12:16 pm

  5. Jo, just wanting you to know you have been and will remain in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to you, dear friend.

    May 18, 2014 at 7:01 pm

    • Jo

      Thank you very much. Sending you kind thoughts.

      May 19, 2014 at 6:26 pm

  6. I’m so very sorry. My brother lost his only son at the age of 14 and I myself don’t know what it feels like to lose a child, but I know what it feels like to have lost my favorite nephew. I’ve witnessed my brother struggling, in fact a part of my brother died the same day my nephew died. It doesn’t go away and it never will. It broke my heart and sent me in to a deep depression, as his Aunt. Can’t even imagine being the parent. I think people just don’t know what to say, and instead of being quiet they say stupid things like that because they don’t know. HUGS and PRAYERS, my friend.

    May 24, 2014 at 9:12 pm

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