Gathering myself

I have been here just not here for a week or two. My thoughts are with you all but I have lost myself.

Yes, I know. One would think given the turmoil in my life for the past 24 months that I would have lost myself a long time ago. I think that I did….I just did not fully evaluate the big picture.

Who and what am I today? What will tomorrow bring? Or better yet what do I want tomorrow to bring? Well, that question is self explanatory. But. What other things do I wish for? I am having a hard time this year as I keep having the feeling that this is the rest of my life. We will not have a choice in having a second child. So I will forever be the Mother with empty arms. Yes, I am other things, wife, friend, sister and daughter. I am a woman and programmed to build my life around Motherhood. I am very happy to do so. That was always my want and choice in life. A family with a couple of children and work a steady job to provide.

I know that my life still reflects that image I always had. I am a Mother. I do have a family. I have a husband, a home and one child. I have been blessed with the experience of pregnancy and giving birth. If you look at it in those terms, the vision I always had for myself at 17 and 25 is much the same.

As with most things in life. Problems arise when I have to explain this reality to others. Why must I change my life and my stories because it “upsets” someone else?

Last week, at my office. A coworker told me that hearing my story bothered someone. A number of months ago a newer coworker asked me the story of my son. So.. I told her. No, I did not give all details. I just highlighted what did happen. I was told that this was upsetting to others and made someone cry. OK….I do not wish to upset anyone or do them harm. That is not my intention. But, why must I be quiet and keep my story to myself? Does everyone else not discuss first steps, birthday parties, new pregnancy, ultrasounds, baby showers, basketball games, bike rides and on and on? I sit at my desk daily and work. I often wear headphones, if it is a day that I cannot handle to hear much. I do not impress my wants on the other people in the office. I have not told the girl who sits 10 feet from me who is 28 weeks pregnant that I do not want to her about her Prenatal visit, her last ultrasound, her food cravings, her swollen feet. No. My advise to her was to cherish every moment of this entire pregnancy as it is a blessing that not all can experience.

Do you know what I told that coworker? The one that said my story was upsetting. I expressed I was sorry.. But. If they could not handle or did not wish to hear the story they could have left their desk. This is my life and I do not have that choice. Perhaps you would like to walk in my shoes for a day or that of my husband’s and see just how “upsetting” it really is.

I will not apologize to anyone for being honest. I will not apologize for the my son’s life and what he had to endure for 19 days. He deserves bettter. He is worth more than to be silenced by someone else because they cannot handle the “upsetting” truth.

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10 responses

  1. Amen to that. Hugs to you and your husband, Jo.

    May 30, 2014 at 9:47 am

    • Jo

      Thanks!

      May 30, 2014 at 2:26 pm

  2. You are absolutely correct. If people only understood how difficult it is for us to hear about their kids and pregnancies and then have to nerve to complain about their pregnancies. Your post is heart wrenching and you have every open door before you to speak and be heard. You deserve every happiness. Love prayers and hugs.

    May 30, 2014 at 12:26 pm

    • Jo

      Thank you very much.

      June 1, 2014 at 11:42 am

  3. What an amazing post. Thank you for sharing.

    I believe talking and sharing our stories is part of our path to healing. And, I think you have all the right in the world to share, especially when people ask! You should not hide from your pain. You should not hide your son, his life, his memory or your relationship. You should cherish and revel in every single memory and the love that you shared and continue to share.

    Wishing you all the best and thinking of you often.

    May 30, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    • Jo

      Thank you so much. It makes it so much more stressful when you have to live to “protect” others.. Thinking of you all as well and wishing you a great weekend!

      May 30, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    • Jo

      Thank you.

      June 1, 2014 at 11:44 am

  4. Jo, you’ve been more quiet than usual the past few weeks and I’m honouring that while sending this note to let you know you are in my thoughts as you continue gathering yourself and coping, one day at a time. Sending hugs.

    June 6, 2014 at 1:39 pm

    • Jo

      Thank you for thinking of me. I have come to a fork in the path and have no idea what to do. I mean I know that we just go on a wing and a prayer to start with… But with a couple of milestones looming the fear that our journey for a family is done is ever present.

      June 7, 2014 at 12:41 pm

      • I hear you. I’ve been looking at a similar fork in the road and wondering what lies ahead on either path. Even if I am not ready to give up yet I am acutely aware that there may be no more living children in our future. My heart goes out to you in this difficult time and place.

        June 7, 2014 at 2:52 pm

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