I have been absent for a time. I still feel most absent. I am having a hard time of it this year.. Yes, as always there is much going on and many happy things taking place. We recently traveled overnight to meet my sister’s in-law’s to be. We have taken in the sights of the White Mountains in New Hampshire. Which as always are beautiful. Weekends at the lake, days in the hay-field. Summer is always a very busy time here. Labour day weekend always brings the annual trip to the woods for our firewood. (check 4 cord piled and split in back yard! I am ready for the flakes!)
Next week we will be traveling a distance for my sister’s wedding. This week involves packing and a few projects. I made her wedding hanky on the weekend. It is a piece of one of our Grandfather’s hankies, which I crochet around. Tonight, I will make her wedding garter.
Despite it all there is still that seemingly empty hole. It seems to be larger. In truth it is not. Just the same.. just feels worse. Soon my husband and I will celebrate our anniversary. It is our 10th. A special one. Not that they all are not special. I have booked a weekend away. I have but one statement.. Before our wedding. We went though marriage counseling. Our Pastor is a nice man whom I have known most of my life. You know of all the questions, and reading etc… The one question that I do not recall being asked… How will you deal with the loss of a child? Or even…How will you deal with infertility? I remember questions of who will pay the bills, who will clean, our sex life, the discipline of our would be children. How many children we each would like?
Not once in those sessions was the question..How will you deal with the loss of a child? ever posed. I realize during marriage counseling you are looking toward the joy and the happiness but in truth. this is the point of the counseling… Marriage is not an easy road. Hardships take place. Yes, we did speak of loss of work and other day-to-day things. But no heavy hitting questions like this one. I want to be clear. I have always maintained that if you disagree with marriage counseling you have no business getting married. You should be able to discuss each of these important things. You are agreeing to accept responsibility for someone else’s life not just your own. You are agreeing that your choices, decisions and actions are going to directly affect someone else.
Having been married 10 years. I can tell you I was 17 minutes late walking down the aisle (I was 1 minute early arriving at the church). I spent 14 of them on the front walkway of the church holding my flowers.. while my Matron of Honor held all 8 feet of my train as I cried.. I cried, because I loved the man I was to marry so very much and my greatest fear in life was to hurt him or disappoint him. Here I sit almost 10 years later with the same tears. I have hurt my husband. I have failed to give him all his wishes and dreams. My husband will tell you different. He will tell you that he loves me and that I gave him the most beautiful son. That we are a family.
I am grateful that he is my husband. That we are a family. Our version of it..
10 years ago I put this ring on my husband’s hand.. These rings were shiny and new then. Today they show the wear and the love.