Beginning Year Four With Empty Arms.

Hello all,

I have been absent for some time.  I have reverted back into my shell existence.  The one that is protected and no one else can enter.  Get up… Go to work.. Come home.  Maybe cook.  Read hundreds of books on the old tablet.  When I read, that pushes the reality around me into the background.  I do not have to think about today or yesterday or even what tomorrow will bring.  I can just be part of page 215.

Yesterday, marked the beginning of my fourth year as a Mother with empty arms.  My son would have been 3 yesterday.  I will say that I now consider myself an expert at this… And those that ply you with the “it gets better with time”….”You will learn to deal with it”….. Blah blah…. I will be completely honest with you…………………………………IT IS A LOAD OF CRAP!

You will never get used to having empty arms, an empty bedroom, an empty backseat as you travel in the car.

You will never get used to the memory of your child leaving this earth.

You will never get used to the quiet in the house in the mornings..

You will never get used to being the one to blow out the candle on his birthday cake each year.

I am ever grateful for what I do have and the memories that I cherish daily.  I know that despite all, I am the lucky one as I got to touch and hold my child even for a short time.  This, however, does not ease the pain or take away the sadness.

On the weekend, I baked my son’s birthday cake.  My version of a Spiderman, with blue cake and red frosting and webbing on the top.  I took a pot of white tulips and a birthday balloon to his grave.  I took the day off of work and spent it with my family.  My husband and my son.  We hung balloons in our kitchen and we lite his candle.  We took pictures and said wishes and prayers.

Today is day two of my fourth year.   Today, I add another notch to my belt.

Sending good thoughts and wishes to you all.

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2 responses

  1. It sounds like you and your husband had a beautiful day together yesterday, celebrating your son. I think it’s great that you take the day to be together as a family and to remember.
    As one of the first blogs I started following, I have wondered about you often. Sending you love and keeping you in my thoughts.

    April 28, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    • Jo

      I am still here just took a long winter’s nap.. Hahaha. Thank you very much for the kind words. It has been a hard year thus far.. My internal clock is running out and it appears like infertility will win this fight…. Not sure how to face it……..

      April 28, 2015 at 1:04 pm

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