The Future Part 2

Fear has taken over and I am self-sabotaging weight loss, trying to get healthy, calling Social Services to put our name on adoption list.  I am scared of out of MIND!  We have had to give one child back…  Cannot live with having to do it again.  What few eggs I do have are getting OLD….   Scared to keep trying as the fear of unknown, birth defects, another miscarriage, another pre-term labor and NICU stay.  Fear of it all.   How does one negotiate through all of this??  The biggest parts of me just say tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow I will get up, shower, get dressed, go to work, and then come home…  Once again not answering any of the above…

Facts

June, 2010 I took my last BC pill.

Nov, 2011 I found out I was preg

April 2012 I gave birth 12 weeks early to our son

May 2012 Our son passed away

July 2012 was his due date

Sept 2013 I had surgery to explore infertility options

Jan 2014 I had a miscarriage

Today is May 14, 2015 and I am not pregnant.

That is a lot of TTC, sheets and sheets of papers writing down cycles, dates, BBT, BFN, thinking it is BFP, DPO, checking EDD, wishing for EDD, HPT, LP, researching IVF, IUI, O, MC, CS, International Adoption, Domestic Adoption.  Yes, been there done that…  doing it….. I am an expert in it.

Despite it all there is that part deep down to the left that says God will not leave me here.  He will not let me finish my life as a mother with empty arms..

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3 responses

  1. Wishing you the best in whatever path you choose.

    May 14, 2015 at 10:39 am

  2. I wish you all the luck in the world! I am on my second round of progesterone in prep to start my first round of Clomid. Hoping for your BFP soon!

    May 14, 2015 at 12:15 pm

    • Jo

      Thank you. Best of luck to you as well.

      May 15, 2015 at 10:56 am

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