Yippee skip it is not the first of the week and not the end.

I have made it through yet another Monday.  I look forward to Friday and I wonder what the rest of the days in between will be.

You know what I mean when I say you know all about it but yet even those closet to you make judgement calls and assumptions that you know nothing about a subject?  I agree on many levels that we do not discuss our lives even with most of our closest family members.  Only a handful of people know that we are TTC.  That we have not been actively preventing pregnancy since the death of our son.

My cousin was visiting the other day.  She and her husband are having fertility issues.  He is undergoing surgery next week.  She recently had HSG with Methylene Blue testing done.  She told me in detail what they do, how sick she was and how much it hurt. I let her tell her story.  When she was finished I said I know.  I got my first blank stare.

I agreed it was not the most pleasant procedure and that I cramped and bleed after mine.  But, all in all, that was not the worst of the day. That was the first time I had set foot in the hospital I lived in for 19 days.  The same hospital my son died in.   She just stared at me like I had three heads.  I said imagine checking in, having to go for blood work and sit for 30 minutes waiting for some random nurse to inform you that you can proceed because YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT.  Then heading in to strip naked and sit with your a$$ sticking to a stupid chair for 90 minutes waiting for the OBGYN to come and do the procedure.  She is late as she is tied up in the delivery room.  You are so glad to hear of someone else’s joy but there it is again that stab into your heart.  It isn’t you.  It was you 16 months ago.  But that is another story. (You can read about it here. Our Story & Our Story Part 2.)  You are 3 floors down with your fat a$$ stuck to a chair.

I will speak freely with her in hopes that maybe our experiences may help them in their TTC journey.  However, I will not do so with many others.  I am not able.  I cannot face the judgements, the questions.  You would think by now that I would be used to such things.  I am not.  I know that we need to speak out, to be heard, to help others.  I try every day.  But ultimately I am scared and just too weak.  I apologize for that.

But tomorrow is a new day and maybe tomorrow it will be different.


4 responses

  1. I think it’s great that you were able to speak freely with her, and I hope it also brings you some comfort to share. I think as much as we should be sharing our experiences to educate and help others understand baby loss and IF, I also think we need to do what’s best for us and be aware of how sharing makes us feel – and it sounds like you are doing this so good for you!

    June 9, 2015 at 6:47 pm

    • Jo

      I agree and at times I feel so wishy washy. Depends on the day and what I can talk about.

      June 10, 2015 at 11:55 am

  2. My friend. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for you losing C. Sorry for the insensitive treatment you received at your testing. Sorry you feel any compulsion to apologize for not educating others or speaking your truth at all times. You owe nothing to anyone. Never apologize. Please. You are one of the most candid and genuine women and writers I can think of who tells her story of infant loss and infertility here. That’s a heck of a lot you give to the world. A heck of a lot. And I love you for it even though the sadness of your loss and struggles shred my heart in pieces. Be you. That’s more than enough.

    June 10, 2015 at 1:23 pm

    • Jo

      Oh I am such a sap. I am crying now. Thank you so much for see the best parts of me! It means so very much.

      June 10, 2015 at 2:38 pm

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