Triggers

Last night, well actually this AM.  I was in my basement “cleaning” my sewing room.  Which, I will confess also involved watching 2 movies. Hahaha..  One cannot sort fabric in silence.  There must be something for distraction.

At 1 am this morning I was sorting books and patterns while watching a random movie which I have seen goodness knows how many times.  It was a sappy, cute, love story type.

It was a that moment that I began to cry.  I cried for the future I will not have and for the past that I live.  Yes, random movies, books, a drive in the car, what have you will trigger emotions.  Then there you are bawling your eyes out and dreaming of the what if.  Of the what will never be.  They come and they go.  Does that make me too emotional?  I do not think so.  Does that make me not normal?  I do not feel so.  If anything does that not make me more normal because I am in touch with my emotions?

I would like to be able to tell you that grief slowly fades away.  Becomes a part of yesterday.  It does not.  Grief is always ever-present.  It is who I am. It has changed who I am.

When someone asks you to describe yourself what do you think and what do you say?  I know that these are two completely different things.  At least, they are for me.

I am a 30 something wife. I work full-time and have lots of hobbies.  I like to quilt and read and days spent on or near water. 

That is my PC description.

Here is the true description.

I am a 30 something wife and grieving mother. I work full-time and have lots of hobbies.  I like to quilt and read and days spent on or near water. 

See what a difference those three small words make?  Those three small words are always with me.  It is for this reason, that random things, trigger those emotions.

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