Who am I?
Here I sit at my desk, looking out at the cloudy sky. It is a beautiful day in my little spot of the world. There are beautiful pieces of blue sky intermixed with the fluffy, grey rain clouds. It will be raining later, but for now they are so pretty floating by. I often sit and wonder how to best express myself and to put into words who I am.
I realize that often my posts are not of the positive variety. I do not wish to portray that my life is always on the down side. I just want it to be real. I began posting as an outlet to share my true emotions in anonymity. Yes, I felt and do most often that this is the best. Those of you in situations like mine know that you cannot share all of these feelings with your family and general acquaintances as well. A) they will completely freak out and B) THEY WILL REALLY FLIP. Hahaha.
I mean how do you tell Sally so and so that she is a completely self-absorbed individual that takes full advantage of the life that she has and the two beautiful children she birthed. That by day you would like to reach over from your desk and just slap some sense into her. Hard! For her to be grateful for her joys. This particular Sally “farms” out said children multiples times per week. Not just for the day but overnight etc. Why have children if you do not wish to parent and be a family. The following statement is often heard “me time”. Ok, please do not judge we all need me time to be productive at work and at home in our family life. I do not disagree. But EVERY DAY! Good land!
This is one of the many daily thoughts and situations that one experiences. I have done well I believe. I for the most part keep my feelings and thoughts to myself. Although, with anything there comes a time when you have to make a comment. I have tried in best form, to present my comments in an off-handed way. But sometimes they just need to be said.
I am at an impasse in my life. I am no longer sure who I am. I no longer know what my wants should be for the future, for tomorrow. When it is ingrained into you to be this, to want that. How do you change that when it really not your choice? How do I make it all enough? My life currently is very small. I get up and dress go to work and live to go home. To see my husband. To be in our space. I used to be larger, more involved, more people, more places. I no longer care for that now.
The answer to my question is:
I am me.