Today

Hip Hip Horray!  We made it through the long weekend.  It was up and down and now is done.  Here, in my little part of the world, we had THE BEST weather.  It was 32 all weekend.  With fall looming, anticipating the turning of the leaves, it was nice to have one last hot weekend to spend on the water.

We had more family visiting this weekend.  It went well. However, it did further drive home just how little my own family understands our situation.  My sister and her husband were at our home.  He has never been (they live a 15 hour drive from us). He was eyeing the family pictures on the wall.  The pictures of “C”.  You could tell he was uncomfortable.  He is our son.  It is our family.  Should we not have family pictures?

I often ask myself how can they be that out of touch with our feelings?  I have continued to say time and time again, we do not want anyone to understand this, as it would mean they have lived through it.  But, how can they not have any understanding at all.  We recently had a family anniversary.  I have one cousin who had a breakdown last year.  He now suffers from social anxiety.  That is how I would label it.  DH and I have the same issues.  We no longer can handle large groups of people or even family gatherings at someone’s home.  Because we cannot handle the repercussions of not going we put in an appearance and then vacate when possible.  Both breathing a huge sigh as we enter our vehicle to go home.

On the weekend I was speaking about this with Mother.  DH and I had stayed in the foyer and talked to a couple of cousins during the party.  There were 200+ people in the room.  I said it was just too much.  We could not be in the room.  Mother replied “I know I could not get around in there”  ???????????????????  No, Mom, DH and I cannot handle being around that many people.. It is too much for us.  To which I get no response.

I believed we have managed the questions and people’s curiosity quite well over the years.  However, I am finding it harder as time goes on and I am finding myself shutting down even more.  Why do I need to continue to explain this?

DH and I are on the bubble.  The future bubble.  What do we do with ourselves for the rest of our marriage?  Yes, we are TTC.  I know the likelihood of it ever happening is pretty much nil but I am not able to make that decision to end it.  I cannot face that decision.  It is too hard.  But that being said.  What do we do with the next 40 years?  There will be no basketball games on Thursday night, no sleep overs on Saturday.  No birthday parties to plan, No back to school shopping.  No summer vacations and summer camp.  It will be just be the two of us.

The twins made their appearance yesterday.  All was well.  Only 3.5 hours from the time they started her IV until Twin B (the girl) was born.  She only pushed for less than an hour.  Over all a wonderful birthing experience.  Twin A, the boy, 5 lbs 4 oz.  Twin B, the girl, 4 lbs 15 oz.   Born at 37w2d.  They will be home soon.  Now they are a family of 5.  How very strange.  We were pregnant together 4 years ago.  The boys were born 8 days apart.  Yesterday, she gave birth to twins.  For the 1000th time, my period started…..  Kind of an omen.  Another reminder that our time has passed.

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3 responses

  1. I’m glad you made it through the weekend. It sounds like quite the gathering. I am always amazed at the lack of sympathy and understanding that people show in situations like yours. I’m sorry your mom didn’t get it and neither did your brother-in-law. I am also sorry you are struggling with the birth of the twins, but I do believe it is understandable why you are struggling – your response and emotions seem completely normal to me. Sending you love my friend.

    September 10, 2015 at 12:47 pm

    • Jo

      I being a sappy sort am now crying! Hahaha. I often find myself saying thank you for your kind words and there is no way to express how much they mean to me, always. These are the things I see us struggling with each day. The things that no one wants to acknowledge exist.

      September 10, 2015 at 2:04 pm

  2. Pingback: Happened= Your Past Tense | Life, Love and my version of motherhood

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