My Tongue is Sore
I have not really touched much upon the family dynamics in our world. I will tell you that although it is my first marriage, I have been directly involved in 6 marriages.. Figure that one out. I have had more than one “step-mother” and I do have a “step-father”. My in-laws are married to one another.
As a child, DH grew up in a home with an alcoholic. As a result of this dynamic he spent a great deal of time with his grand-parents who mean so very much to his life. A few years ago, his grandfather passed away. In most ways that count, he was the father he never had at home. His grandmother holds that very same place in his heart. I am the second woman in his life. I knew that from the beginning and accepted it gladly as she helped mold the love of my life. It is she that I hold dear, for those reasons.
She will soon be in her 93rd year. She is a tough bird, who still lives in her own home with the assistance of the family and a lovely woman who comes in 3 mornings a week. Yes, that is it. She is amazing. On Saturday, she fell. The world came to a stop when my husband called to tell me. He usually goes to her home go “do a few chores” on Saturday.
Gram has 8 children. Those from large families know that they are a blessing. Lots of cousins, Aunts and Uncles. A family filled with love. That being said. They are also a curse. A is arguing with B. C is mad because E had a grandchild first. Blah blah.. Hahaha.. These 8 children, should be the ones responsible to look out for and to make decisions regarding her present and future care. However, they are not. Many of us Grandchildren take on most of this responsiblity. I want to clarify. We love her dearly and would do whatever we can to assist. But that is what it should be, assistance.
Last night, DH and I went to check on her and to say goodnight. What we walked into was just beyond. My MIL and one sister in the kitchen arguing and name calling sister X and brother Y. All the while Gram can hear all from the living room. I spoke up and said “MIL, could you come to the bedroom please.” No response. I repeated. Nothing.. The third time ” GET INTO THE BEDROOM and THIS IS ENOUGH WHERE YOUR MOTHER HAS TO HEAR ALL OF THIS!”
Once she came into the room, the three of us had a conversation about what needs done. She kept trying to dump more on us. I had to speak up. My DH is just to far gone into this to defend himself. (He had come home crying and upset because Aunt A had taken at him about everything needing done). I had to be the one to speak on his behalf.
There are 8 of you. We are grandchildren. We will come and do whatever we can to help and want to but we cannot take all of this on. You are her children……. I will not tolerate anyone taking at DH like again. If he comes home in that state again we will all be having a chat. It is not necessary. We love her, and want to help but we can only do so much.
I will say I am very pleased with myself today. I was calm, I did not raise my voice and I did not completely unload. That people is very good indeed.
Situations like these are tough. There is never a winner. Which is ok with us. I just want my DH to be comfortable and not pushed beyond the brink. C passed away 3+ years ago but we do still suffer from depression and many other lingering effects of this traumatic event. My DH, has always been a very soft-hearted person and holds much love in there. He is the quiet one of the two brothers and because of this bore the brunt of the backlash at home.
Today, I hope that Gram continues to heal, that the “8” get their crap together and have her best interest at heart. I hope that I can keep a lock down on my tongue. It is very sore.