Framing my Picture
Well here I am typing away when I need to be packing but that can wait for a moment. I am thinking ahead to my weekend away.
Four days, just DH and I. No family, no phones, no one that knows us.
I have hopes that I may find a piece of myself. I know that is a very far-fetched idea given that I have spent the last 3 1/2 years living with grief and loss. It is not as if I have lost my self. I have lost my future self. At times, I feel as if I am 16 years old again facing the vast expanse of my future and adulthood. Where will I go? What will I do? Not that I ever truly knew where I would be. But that little voice in your head always said work, life, marriage, children. I have achieved each of those things. However, God and life chose my picture to be painted differently than most would imagine.
I need to find that way within myself to frame this picture. There are still several paintings which have begun but are yet unfinished. For my own sanity I have to see my current painting differently. I will never give up the hope that I will be able to bring another child into our lives. But. For now I need to paint the picture differently.
I can always paint in whatever I wish. Heck, I am the one holding this brush!