Framing my Picture

Well here I am typing away when I need to be packing but that can wait for a moment.  I am thinking ahead to my weekend away.

Four days, just DH and I.  No family, no phones, no one that knows us.

I have hopes that I may find a piece of myself.  I know that is a very far-fetched idea given that I have spent the last 3 1/2 years living with grief and loss.  It is not as if I have lost my self.  I have lost my future self.  At times, I feel as if I am 16 years old again facing the vast expanse of my future and adulthood.  Where will I go?  What will I do?  Not that I ever truly knew where I would be.  But that little voice in your head always said work, life, marriage, children.  I have achieved each of those things.  However, God and life chose my picture to be painted differently than most would imagine.

I need to find that way within myself to frame this picture.  There are still several paintings which have begun but are yet unfinished.  For my own sanity I have to see my current painting differently.  I will never give up the hope that I will be able to bring another child into our lives.  But.  For now I need to paint the picture differently.

I can always paint in whatever I wish.  Heck, I am the one holding this brush!


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