November 30th

Each year I have a goal.  To be done shopping and wrapping by December 1st.  My goal is to not feel rushed, stressed, crazy, nuts, annoyed at the stores..  The list goes on.

In the past years this has been increasingly more important.  I cannot handle the people.  I want to be involved but parts of me cannot.  I cannot handle the elbow to elbow at the stores.  The pushing, the tones of annoyance.  I cannot handle listening to Mother A and Father B yelling at their respective children because they are in fact behaving like children.

I am sitting pretty good.  The shopping is 97.5% complete.  The wrapping is 60% complete.  I started to decorate yesterday.  No, the tree is not up.  However, my husband has a Holiday Birthday so I leave the tree up until after New Year’s so that gives me a bit of time at the first of the month.

The past couple of weeks have been crazy.  I have spent a total of one evening home.  Go here go there.  Midnight Madness, Black Friday, Tree Lighting in town, run errands, birthday parties, making crafts for this one and that one.

There is a Historic Site in my area that decks out for Christmas each year.  All decorated to the nine’s and the ticket sales help with the upkeep and restoration.  I have been wanting to attend for years but have never been able to fit it in.  This year was a charm!  It was beautiful.  All the lights shimmering.  All that was missing was a dusting of snow.

Christmas has always been one of my favorite holidays.  After “C” passed away the meaning left us.  I no longer find much joy in the season.  My whole reason for the hustle and bustle is gone.  Well half of my reason.  Although, no one under 10 lives at our home Santa always makes a stop.  I have found over the years that I just want to be home.  To close the  door.  To spend the time at home.  I do not want to run here and there. I do not want to be on someone’s schedule.   To change my life to fit their time.  I do not wish to sound selfish.  However, it seems that we are always the ones to change.  To adjust, to fit in.  No one ever wants to know if it works for us.

I cannot handle seeing all of the children.  I find Christmas Eve service the hardest.  All the little ones in their Christmas best.  They are so very adorable!  Most likely, we will not go again this year.  We will go and spend time at “C”‘s grave.

We have received news in the past week that there will be another new addition to the family June 2016.  Yes, in a family the size of ours it grows exponentially each year.  We do our very best.  We are so happy for them.  That they will have the joy of a child in their life, however it once again reminds us of our loss.

Today I sit and I cry.  My husband and I went to the woods yesterday.  We cut down a tree.  Tonight, I will decorate it for my son’s grave.  It will have  white twinkling lights and a huge silver star.  White snowflakes and ribbons of red and white.  Tonight, I will send all my love and wishes to my very own little Angel.  Love, Mommy.


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