This is 40.
I am currently living and experiencing life as a 40 year old. Which in itself is emotional. Then you add grieving Mother to the mix.. Ta da!
I have been struggling with the future. Who am I and what will I be in 10 years. How do I fill in the empty spaces in my life? The ones where I am not reading stories and going for bike rides, playing with lego. No little pairs of jeans to wash.
What will I do with these moments in time? The future.
DH and I went away for a few days after we were married but did not take a “honeymoon”. We have never had a weeks vacation together. Our cousin’s have been telling us for years to come and book with them. Just do it.
Well, last Friday, I just did it! Sun, sand and complete nothing for 7 days. What will we do with ourselves. This will bring a smile to your face. DH cannot swim. I am taking him to a beach for a week and he cannot swim. Bahahaa.. He can watch me swim?
I know, emotionally, I need to take a step back. If the last four years have taught me anything, it is to just let it go. However, I continue to pressure myself to look ahead, make decisions, formulate a plan. I need to know what will fill the holes in my day.
Who will ignore me at the Nursing Home in 40 years? Who will mow the lawn?
I have spoken of grief before. Grief is an every day part of our lives. With grief comes these fears. These unknowns.
My biggest fear is for my DH. How do I fill his empty spaces with enough to dull the pain? He deserves better. He deserves more.
For today, I will make his favorite meal. I will ensure he has clean laundry and I will say I love you and kiss him goodnight.