This is 40.

I am currently living and experiencing life as a 40 year old.  Which in itself is emotional.  Then you add grieving Mother to the mix.. Ta da!

I have been struggling with the future.  Who am I and what will I be in 10 years.  How do I fill in the empty spaces in my life?  The ones where I am not reading stories and going for bike rides, playing with lego.  No little pairs of jeans to wash.

What will I do with these moments in time?  The future.

DH and I went away for a few days after we were married but did not take a “honeymoon”.  We have never had a weeks vacation together.  Our cousin’s have been telling us for years to come and book with them.  Just do it.

Well, last Friday, I just did it!  Sun, sand and complete nothing for 7 days.  What will we do with ourselves.  This will bring a smile to your face.  DH cannot swim.  I am taking him to a beach for a week and he cannot swim.  Bahahaa..  He can watch me swim?

I know, emotionally, I need to take a step back.   If the last four years have taught me anything, it is to just let it go.  However, I continue to pressure myself to look ahead, make decisions, formulate a plan. I need to know what will fill the holes in my day.

Who will ignore me at the Nursing Home in 40 years?  Who will mow the lawn?

I have spoken of grief before.  Grief is an every day part of our lives.  With grief comes these fears. These unknowns.

My biggest fear is for my DH.  How do I fill his empty spaces with enough to dull the pain?  He deserves better.  He deserves more.

For today, I will make his favorite meal.  I will ensure he has clean laundry and I will say I love you and kiss him goodnight.


6 responses

  1. Hope a week on the sand watching the waves (and swimming) is all you need to clear your mind a bit!

    January 22, 2016 at 4:50 pm

    • Jo

      I hope so.. There may be a few cocktails too! Hahhaa

      January 24, 2016 at 2:39 am

  2. I read this post this morning and I’ve been thinking about it all day. First, happy birthday, even if it’s been nothing like you imagined. I hope you still find moments of joy. Second, your love and compassion for your husband is so sweet. And lastly, I’m wishing you year full of happy moments!

    January 22, 2016 at 7:22 pm

    • Jo

      Thank you. I saw cheers to that!

      January 24, 2016 at 2:38 am

  3. I am glad you went out on this limb. You both deserve sun and sand and away time just for you together. You deserve your baby boy for whom to wash jeans too. While you can’t hold him I am glad for you and DH that each of you can hold and cherish the other.

    January 23, 2016 at 7:57 am

    • Jo

      Yes, I think it is long past due. I was told today by the other couple we are going with 52 days. Whew.. time is flying.

      January 24, 2016 at 2:40 am

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