I have been awaiting this bit of news for awhile.  When my little sister was home this past summer, she was trying to kick the smokes.  She was celebrating her 1st anniversary and her 38th birthday was ever looming.

She was to have surgery today.  I sent a message last night that I hope all went well.  I heard nothing back.  I questioned my mother yesterday on the time.  No response.  I knew.  An hour ago I called to ask my mother what time her surgery was.  She did not know.  I asked when is she due.

September 21st.

I send my sister much love and good thoughts.  However, I cannot deal with it all today.  I have already erected my safety walls.  I am now in my bubble.

My intuition tells me I am going to have a nephew.

My mother asks ” Well you are happy for her?”  What a stupid question.  I will be completely honest.  WHAT A STUPID QUESTION.  So to answer the stupid question my response “No, I am not happy for her.”  Stupid question, stupid answer.

The people who are most close to you.  The ones that should realize what this means and how it impacts your life.  They are the ones that should have some sort of understanding.  They are not.

Yes, I am happy for my sister and her husband. She is my little sister.  I am scared out of my mind.  I will spend the next 22 weeks praying every morning and night that she makes it through another day. I will mark each milestone with a sigh of relief.  Viability, 28 weeks.  32 weeks.  Pray that worse case he/she comes after 34 weeks.  We are high risk.  40 weeks is unlikely as is 37.  Fingers crossed.  These are the things you cannot express or discuss with others.  The realities.  The knowing.  I have lived this life.  I live it everyday.  I know what happens each week.  I know the risks.  I am the risk.

Wednesday marks the first milestone.  Start of the 2nd trimester.





2 responses

  1. I am sorry, Jo. Sorry for the carelessly foolish questions that pierce your heart. Sorry for the constant reminders of the son you cannot hold in your empty arms. Sorry these words change nothing. You’re in my heart, friend.

    March 7, 2016 at 11:18 pm

    • Jo

      Thank you. It means so very much to know that you understand!

      March 8, 2016 at 12:48 pm

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