24 Hours Later

Today, I sit. I think, I wonder.

It is so very hard to express to those around you what this means.  She is not my co-worker, she is not my BFF, she is not a random woman at the grocery store.  She is my sister.  The one who I grew with.  The one I fought with.  The one who will never know how much I protected as a child.

Our father left when I was 4 and she was 2. All of the anger, and fall out, fell upon me over the years.  She was protected.  She lived in a bubble.  I have always felt my sister lived the charmed life.  She has always been obvious to that around her.  Just worried about herself.

This is in no way a judgement.  I am only making a statement.  Each of us are different and in how we deal with that around us.  I have always allowed too much of the outside to the inside of my bubble.  It has dominated my life.  My husband’s.  So and so needs this done or wants us to do that.  I have never been able to draw that line in the sand.  My sister always did.

We may live 14 hours apart and see each other rarely.  We do not talk enough.  However, she is my sister.  I would do anything in life to protect her and always have.  The night I called her to tell her she had better come to see “C” as things were getting worse.  She was dating her now husband.  She worked night shift as a bartender.  She called for him to bring the computer to work to book a flight.  She worked until 2 am and was on a flight home by 6:30.  As she was booking the flight he said to her “I didn’t think you were that close.”  She looked him in the eye and said “She is my sister! She called me to come. I am going home.”

I want to think good thoughts.  I want the best to happen.  In 24-28 weeks,  I would like to meet my nephew or niece. There is something to be said for ignorance.  Unfortunately, I am not able to fake the ignorance.  I know the stress of a high-risk pregnancy.  I know the joy of getting to the next goal.  I would spend the next 9 months in bed if that is what it took for me to be in the same boat.  However, it is unlikely that will ever happen.  40 has come and gone.  Just like clockwork mother nature calls to crumble my world every 24-28 days.

I send prayers that all will be well.  That  there will be few to no bumps in this road.  That he/she is as stubborn as their cousin “C” and will fight the fight.

I am happy for my sister, but my heart is still shattered.

There is no way to explain all of the emotions.  Only those in this “Club“, ever truly know.


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