Yippee skip it is not the first of the week and not the end.
I have made it through yet another Monday. I look forward to Friday and I wonder what the rest of the days in between will be.
You know what I mean when I say you know all about it but yet even those closet to you make judgement calls and assumptions that you know nothing about a subject? I agree on many levels that we do not discuss our lives even with most of our closest family members. Only a handful of people know that we are TTC. That we have not been actively preventing pregnancy since the death of our son.
My cousin was visiting the other day. She and her husband are having fertility issues. He is undergoing surgery next week. She recently had HSG with Methylene Blue testing done. She told me in detail what they do, how sick she was and how much it hurt. I let her tell her story. When she was finished I said I know. I got my first blank stare.
I agreed it was not the most pleasant procedure and that I cramped and bleed after mine. But, all in all, that was not the worst of the day. That was the first time I had set foot in the hospital I lived in for 19 days. The same hospital my son died in. She just stared at me like I had three heads. I said imagine checking in, having to go for blood work and sit for 30 minutes waiting for some random nurse to inform you that you can proceed because YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT. Then heading in to strip naked and sit with your a$$ sticking to a stupid chair for 90 minutes waiting for the OBGYN to come and do the procedure. She is late as she is tied up in the delivery room. You are so glad to hear of someone else’s joy but there it is again that stab into your heart. It isn’t you. It was you 16 months ago. But that is another story. (You can read about it here. Our Story & Our Story Part 2.) You are 3 floors down with your fat a$$ stuck to a chair.
I will speak freely with her in hopes that maybe our experiences may help them in their TTC journey. However, I will not do so with many others. I am not able. I cannot face the judgements, the questions. You would think by now that I would be used to such things. I am not. I know that we need to speak out, to be heard, to help others. I try every day. But ultimately I am scared and just too weak. I apologize for that.
But tomorrow is a new day and maybe tomorrow it will be different.
Well. I took another dive….. Well that is how it feels. Who knows how or what will come of it but after having read a bit it cannot hurt.
Let’s just say I am curvy. Bahaha. (My husband especially likes a handful of them) I have low to moderate high blood pressure. It runs 120-130 over 70-85. Last week was 123 over 82. So really not too bad but with my family history of hypertension etc I have been on low does BP’s for a while as a preventative measure.
I was B12 deficient for some time and on shots for 5 years before pregnancy. Although, during pregnancy my B12 evened out and my Thyroid went to crap. (Thyriod runs rampant through my family. Mother, 3 aunts, 1 uncle, and currently 10 of us grandchildren on meds).
I do not have diabetes. I had ++ sugar spillage in my urine throughout my pregnancy. I did not develop Gestational, although I gave birth at 28w so who knows what could have happened. I was diagnosed with a glucose intolerance while pregnant. My sugars were between 6 and 7 in the AM on a 12 hour turn around. Usually throughout the day I would be in the low 5’s and often at 2 hours PC test would be below 5 often in the 4.1 – 4.5 range. So overall good and frankly I was not worried about the spillage because I felt it was being flushed so YAY! One of my DR’s did not have the same happy feeling. Hahaha..
Throughout my many blood works my markers have always been good for ovulation. Having had many tests and surgery, they were good as well.
So goes the life of an Infertile with unexplained infertility…
A few weeks ago my Dietician brought up the M word again. (Metformin) My OB had discussed with this prior to my first pregnancy but by a miracle we manage on our own.
I had an appointment to renew my other meds and just casually asked if he felt I was a candidate for Metformin. Mind you it was a fishing expedition in itself as I did not bother to bring up the P word, the F word or the B word. (pregnancy, fertility and baby) I let him think it was the s word. Sugar.. Hahaha.. I just could not have that conversation with him on this day. I was not emotionally prepared to hear anything negative. I just felt that hey it will not harm me and with my family history, current weight and sugars it could be a benefit and all around preventative measure. I picked them up last week. I am 7 days in.
Who is to know if this might give me a jump. If it might help all those things that do not work on the inside maybe create that one good chance for a host environment for my last-ditch effort to have another child?
Fingers crossed. Time is running out. Here goes nothing!
Fear has taken over and I am self-sabotaging weight loss, trying to get healthy, calling Social Services to put our name on adoption list. I am scared of out of MIND! We have had to give one child back… Cannot live with having to do it again. What few eggs I do have are getting OLD…. Scared to keep trying as the fear of unknown, birth defects, another miscarriage, another pre-term labor and NICU stay. Fear of it all. How does one negotiate through all of this?? The biggest parts of me just say tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow I will get up, shower, get dressed, go to work, and then come home… Once again not answering any of the above…
June, 2010 I took my last BC pill.
Nov, 2011 I found out I was preg
April 2012 I gave birth 12 weeks early to our son
May 2012 Our son passed away
July 2012 was his due date
Sept 2013 I had surgery to explore infertility options
Jan 2014 I had a miscarriage
Today is May 14, 2015 and I am not pregnant.
That is a lot of TTC, sheets and sheets of papers writing down cycles, dates, BBT, BFN, thinking it is BFP, DPO, checking EDD, wishing for EDD, HPT, LP, researching IVF, IUI, O, MC, CS, International Adoption, Domestic Adoption. Yes, been there done that… doing it….. I am an expert in it.
Despite it all there is that part deep down to the left that says God will not leave me here. He will not let me finish my life as a mother with empty arms..
I sit here at my desk today and look ahead. I Have spent the last 4 months scared to look ahead due to the number I will be turning. Also, the likelihood that I may be able to achieve the pregnant status again.
I am done with that. I am looking ahead. I have almost 7 months to get this goal completed. I have added a little counter in the side column to remind me that I do have goals. I am worth these goals. I will kick this goal in the ASS!
My goal is to be expecting before New Years Eve. There I said it out loud! Here is to hoping I am an overachiever! Hahaha.
…. I guess that is about the best way to start this. I first want to say that I am so grateful to be able to connect with you all. It has brought me great comfort to be able to share and in turn to be able to be a part of your blogs etc.
If you have been following along.. The answer to the question is X . I was so hoping that it would be different. You see my due date would have been at a very special time of the year for us.
With that brings the story of my weekend. We were to attend a birthday party for the young man born 8 days after our son. Husband and I had a very hard time going. It was everything we had emotionally. They had rented a bouncy thing for the kids to play in. As we stood in the drive, Watching the kids, up the road you can see our son’s headstone. So there we stood, tears in eyes.. Wondering, how we are going to make it through going inside and presents etc… And then……. I hear my husband’s cousin and his girlfriend talking. They are due Dec 28th.. 2 days earlier than I would be if I had not had the X! It is constant. No matter which way we turn there is something, another reminder, another punch in the gut. At this time, I am currently fighting the urge to just turn around and leave. Get in the car and go home where it is safe.
No, I tell myself. You will be branded the a$$ if you do not go. You will be considered rude etc if you do not do what they want you to do. Why are we programmed to do EVERYTHING that others expect but never once take into consideration how much we can handle emotionally? I keep asking myself this question. I stayed! I went to another room. I did not watch presents, or blowing out the candle. I cannot handle it. But I stayed. I made the effort because I love them and want them to be able to enjoy what we cannot. Not once did anyone even bother to consider what it would mean for us to have to sit there knowing that 8 days ago we should have done the same thing for our own son. Not once did anyone in the last week say I am sorry you didn’t get to experience this. I am sorry you will never know what it feels like to have your 2-year-old yelling Mommy as he runs across the lawn. We are just expected to do whatever it is that everyone else wants……..
One book has special meaning for my husband and I. The day before Mother’s Day 2012, he took me to the mall to pickup a couple of things. One of which was the book “On the Night You Were Born” by Nancy Tillman. The next day, on my first and only Mother’s Day, I sat rocking my sick, dying son as my husband read this story. Each night we read this to him at bedtime in the NICU. It means so very much. My last memory of this was hearing my husband read it at his grave as they lowered his casket.
Last night, as I signed into FB, I see that our cousin (the mother to the boy above) posted the first page of this book on her wall. She knows what that book means to us. I know we do not own it or have exclusive rights. We are family. A very close one at that. She knows what it means. It is etched into the back of our son’s headstone. I responded to her post. I attached a picture of my son’s headstone with the comment “Great Minds think alike”. She hid my post.
I am tired. I am weary. I am grieving for my son. I grieve for the Father’s Day my husband will never have as he passed before that day. This weekend is Mother’s Day. I wear that title proudly. I am C’s Mommy. He is my precious son. I have sacrificed much to hold this title. I was the Mommy who held Daddy’s hand when the DR came to our room and wanted us to end his life. I am the same Mommy that said “He is our son. We are a family and we will allow him to tell us what he can and cannot handle. We will fight together! We will stand behind him!” He may have been 17 days old but that matters not. He fought hard for his life. He is our son!
Today.. I am saying the same. Today, I am C’s Mommy and I will stand up for my feelings and my emotions. I will not allow anyone, family included to abuse the love of myself or my husband. Nor, will I allow anyone to belittle our position in life. We are parents and we have made a huge sacrifice to earn that title. Anyone can give birth…….. But, not just anyone can be a Mother.
Wishing you all much love this week and on this Mother’s Day weekend. You all deserve to know that you are honored. You are thought of with love.
Update on post Scared…
Now at 4 BFN. And still BFN! No AF. No BFP. Yes, I know, wait 3 days. Whatever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who the H writes this crap on the instructions? It is pretty obvious they do not suffer from infertility! Hahaha.. It is called wait 8 hours and call it good. Cannot even think of what it could be.
Keep second guessing myself that I forgot to chart something. But let’s be real about this. What infertile woman doesn’t know EVERYTHING that is going on with her body. So of course that brings on the other stresses. We shall not name any at this time. But you all know what they are.
Thank goodness, I already have a DR appointment tomorrow. Guess I will be adding a couple of things to the list of needed, in my blood work. It is not safe for a woman in my position to not know what is going on. We can make up far to many scenarios in our mind. Oh land!
Too scared to think about this. To scared to wish. You know the feeling? You are late and you think, is that a twitch. What is that. Is my cycle coming. Is this a sign…..Or am I pregnant. Is this really it this time. After almost four years of tracking everything. I have seen a lot of BFN’s. I have only seen one BFP. I had a couple of faint BFP’s but only one that was holy crap that thing has TWO LINES. Sunday is my son’s birthday. It is too much to wish that I would get a BFP on that day. Too meaningful. So, for now I will continue to ignore the huge calendar in my binder. You know, the one that has my entire TTC journey on it. I am ignoring it. It doesn’t exist. Let’s just hope I do not need to take it out and mark an x to complete this cycle and start a new one for the beginning of the 26th cycle since we started TTC after losing our son.