Posts tagged “Anxiety

Visit

My husband’s cousin brought home her baby on Thursday.  He was a 28w 5d prem. His due date was June 27th. So today he is 37 weeks.

All weekend we have been asked have you seen the baby?  When are you going?  We are not.  There has been a steady stream of people into that home since Thursday evening.  In addition to the visits they planned to take him to an event in our town on Saturday, with several hundred people…  Yes, my husband and I both have our flu and Tdap.  So all necessary precautions have been taken.

However, he is a prem.  He is to have limited access to visitors for the time being.  Now because we are choosing to do as instructed by Neonatologist, and the NICU we are the jerks.

Yesterday, as we drove to the lake my husband stated “What did they think we were doing in the hospital for 3 weeks?  Having a vacation?”  How do you respond to that statement.  Every part of it is truth and valid.

I informed some of the family that we would not be over so the message would filter through.  When questioned why I stated “He is to have limited visits and we are choosing to comply with those wishes for his health and well-being.  We will not be over anytime soon.”

We are doing our best to convey congrats and to protect our selves emotionally.  Within all of this our own family cannot understand why it would be so difficult to go and visit a child that was born 5 days older than our own son and he was able to come home.  We want what is best for their family and for their son.  We have sent love, congrats and well wishes and continue to pray that all will be well.

But we must do so at a distance.

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Forty

I woke this morning.  Did the usual, shower, dress, fed the fur balls, tanked up the car and now I sit at work.

I just looked up at my desk calendar.  SHIT! I just entered my last 30 days of preparation.  30 days of being in my 30’s.  My last 30 days of hoping and dreaming of a future that probably will not be.

I suffer from IF.  Who really cares what my damn birth certificate says.  What matters most is what my insides say.  What matters most is the reality that they are turning 40.  They are on the last legs of this feminine journey.

Let me clarify.  I am carefree.  I have never once gave a crap about what age I was.  I never cared that I was in fashion or today hair is short or now we wear it long.  I am a brown-haired, blue/green-eyed girl who is most comfortable in t-shirts, jeans and a pair of sneakers.  I was carried out of the bar on my 21st birthday by two bouncers and placed on the curb….  Yea, you have it right, it was one hell of a night.  My 25th was spent in Toronto. My 29th I was newly married and spending it with my love.  On my 30th birthday, we poured the footing course, for what is now our home.   On my 36th birthday, our son was conceived.

My uterus and all of its friends are turning 40!. Worst birthday ever!

Forty 


Today

Hip Hip Horray!  We made it through the long weekend.  It was up and down and now is done.  Here, in my little part of the world, we had THE BEST weather.  It was 32 all weekend.  With fall looming, anticipating the turning of the leaves, it was nice to have one last hot weekend to spend on the water.

We had more family visiting this weekend.  It went well. However, it did further drive home just how little my own family understands our situation.  My sister and her husband were at our home.  He has never been (they live a 15 hour drive from us). He was eyeing the family pictures on the wall.  The pictures of “C”.  You could tell he was uncomfortable.  He is our son.  It is our family.  Should we not have family pictures?

I often ask myself how can they be that out of touch with our feelings?  I have continued to say time and time again, we do not want anyone to understand this, as it would mean they have lived through it.  But, how can they not have any understanding at all.  We recently had a family anniversary.  I have one cousin who had a breakdown last year.  He now suffers from social anxiety.  That is how I would label it.  DH and I have the same issues.  We no longer can handle large groups of people or even family gatherings at someone’s home.  Because we cannot handle the repercussions of not going we put in an appearance and then vacate when possible.  Both breathing a huge sigh as we enter our vehicle to go home.

On the weekend I was speaking about this with Mother.  DH and I had stayed in the foyer and talked to a couple of cousins during the party.  There were 200+ people in the room.  I said it was just too much.  We could not be in the room.  Mother replied “I know I could not get around in there”  ???????????????????  No, Mom, DH and I cannot handle being around that many people.. It is too much for us.  To which I get no response.

I believed we have managed the questions and people’s curiosity quite well over the years.  However, I am finding it harder as time goes on and I am finding myself shutting down even more.  Why do I need to continue to explain this?

DH and I are on the bubble.  The future bubble.  What do we do with ourselves for the rest of our marriage?  Yes, we are TTC.  I know the likelihood of it ever happening is pretty much nil but I am not able to make that decision to end it.  I cannot face that decision.  It is too hard.  But that being said.  What do we do with the next 40 years?  There will be no basketball games on Thursday night, no sleep overs on Saturday.  No birthday parties to plan, No back to school shopping.  No summer vacations and summer camp.  It will be just be the two of us.

The twins made their appearance yesterday.  All was well.  Only 3.5 hours from the time they started her IV until Twin B (the girl) was born.  She only pushed for less than an hour.  Over all a wonderful birthing experience.  Twin A, the boy, 5 lbs 4 oz.  Twin B, the girl, 4 lbs 15 oz.   Born at 37w2d.  They will be home soon.  Now they are a family of 5.  How very strange.  We were pregnant together 4 years ago.  The boys were born 8 days apart.  Yesterday, she gave birth to twins.  For the 1000th time, my period started…..  Kind of an omen.  Another reminder that our time has passed.

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Expecting

First off, as usual no it is not me………..

Lately, my DH and I have been faced with the pending due date of a set of twins in our family. It is ever nearing.  We have D-minus 8 weeks.  She went 3 weeks early with her first child.  Which happens to be the baby born the week after C.

We are overjoyed for them.  Although, we just cannot partake it in all.  They suffer from infertility as well, but with little intervention, have been able to conceive twice with very little time spent TTC.  She has PCOS.  This is their 2nd and 3rd miracles.

We are a very close-knit family.  Cousins and their children and now grandchildren.  We see each other very often.  LIke weekly if not more than once per week.  We struggle with how we will deal with the emotions of it all.  When we found out she was expecting we read it on FB.  I do not expect special treatment but given how close we are as a family I felt very hurt to have to read such information in a public announcement..  Even a simple text shortly before it appeared on FB to say Hi, the three of us are going to be 5 come September.  Anything.  Perhaps I should not have, but I did express my feelings on this.  I said that I was very hurt to have read it in that manner.  I know in my heart that they just do not know how to be around us.  We know that it is not meant to be harmful but sometimes one just has to look at the big picture.  The outcome of their actions.

This pregnancy has been that much harder.  We took prenatal together with the boys.  They were born 7 days apart.  You just have that longing, that want all the time.  You see the belly and wish and pray it was you too.

Today, I struggle with the how.  How will we face this occasion with dignity, love and maintain our overall well-being?

I know for sure.  There will be no visits to the hospital.  They will be born where our son lived and died.  We cannot go there.  I am sure at some point in their first week or two we will meet.  We will be the ones standing at the back of the room peeking over with tears in our eyes and very heavy hearts.

Today we await Twin 1 – Boy  and Twin 2- Girl.  May their arrival be safe and without issue. Their big brother is growing very impatient..


Tuesday

Yippee skip it is not the first of the week and not the end.

I have made it through yet another Monday.  I look forward to Friday and I wonder what the rest of the days in between will be.

You know what I mean when I say you know all about it but yet even those closet to you make judgement calls and assumptions that you know nothing about a subject?  I agree on many levels that we do not discuss our lives even with most of our closest family members.  Only a handful of people know that we are TTC.  That we have not been actively preventing pregnancy since the death of our son.

My cousin was visiting the other day.  She and her husband are having fertility issues.  He is undergoing surgery next week.  She recently had HSG with Methylene Blue testing done.  She told me in detail what they do, how sick she was and how much it hurt. I let her tell her story.  When she was finished I said I know.  I got my first blank stare.

I agreed it was not the most pleasant procedure and that I cramped and bleed after mine.  But, all in all, that was not the worst of the day. That was the first time I had set foot in the hospital I lived in for 19 days.  The same hospital my son died in.   She just stared at me like I had three heads.  I said imagine checking in, having to go for blood work and sit for 30 minutes waiting for some random nurse to inform you that you can proceed because YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT.  Then heading in to strip naked and sit with your a$$ sticking to a stupid chair for 90 minutes waiting for the OBGYN to come and do the procedure.  She is late as she is tied up in the delivery room.  You are so glad to hear of someone else’s joy but there it is again that stab into your heart.  It isn’t you.  It was you 16 months ago.  But that is another story. (You can read about it here. Our Story & Our Story Part 2.)  You are 3 floors down with your fat a$$ stuck to a chair.

I will speak freely with her in hopes that maybe our experiences may help them in their TTC journey.  However, I will not do so with many others.  I am not able.  I cannot face the judgements, the questions.  You would think by now that I would be used to such things.  I am not.  I know that we need to speak out, to be heard, to help others.  I try every day.  But ultimately I am scared and just too weak.  I apologize for that.

But tomorrow is a new day and maybe tomorrow it will be different.


The Future Part 2

Fear has taken over and I am self-sabotaging weight loss, trying to get healthy, calling Social Services to put our name on adoption list.  I am scared of out of MIND!  We have had to give one child back…  Cannot live with having to do it again.  What few eggs I do have are getting OLD….   Scared to keep trying as the fear of unknown, birth defects, another miscarriage, another pre-term labor and NICU stay.  Fear of it all.   How does one negotiate through all of this??  The biggest parts of me just say tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow I will get up, shower, get dressed, go to work, and then come home…  Once again not answering any of the above…

Facts

June, 2010 I took my last BC pill.

Nov, 2011 I found out I was preg

April 2012 I gave birth 12 weeks early to our son

May 2012 Our son passed away

July 2012 was his due date

Sept 2013 I had surgery to explore infertility options

Jan 2014 I had a miscarriage

Today is May 14, 2015 and I am not pregnant.

That is a lot of TTC, sheets and sheets of papers writing down cycles, dates, BBT, BFN, thinking it is BFP, DPO, checking EDD, wishing for EDD, HPT, LP, researching IVF, IUI, O, MC, CS, International Adoption, Domestic Adoption.  Yes, been there done that…  doing it….. I am an expert in it.

Despite it all there is that part deep down to the left that says God will not leave me here.  He will not let me finish my life as a mother with empty arms..


Anxious

Today is April 23rd. Four days from today would be my son’s 2nd birthday.

The anxiety is greater, the pain is ever-present.
Crying happens often.
The constant thoughts, wishes, memories flashing by as I sit at my desk.

Hearing my husband whisper in my ear “We have a son.”  His first cry.  His eyes as he searched for me, looking at me, when they wheeled him in his isolette to the NICU.  Less than 2 minutes after his birth.  My husband showing me his picture while I was in recovery.  How his little hand felt when he wrapped his figures around mine for the first time.  He was 3 1/2 hours old.  Watching him open his eyes and stare as his father each time he heard his voice.  The way his head felt next to my cheek, the first time I held and rocked him.  The way Husband’s face shone the first time he held him.  Rocking him to sleep for the last time.