Fear has taken over and I am self-sabotaging weight loss, trying to get healthy, calling Social Services to put our name on adoption list. I am scared of out of MIND! We have had to give one child back… Cannot live with having to do it again. What few eggs I do have are getting OLD…. Scared to keep trying as the fear of unknown, birth defects, another miscarriage, another pre-term labor and NICU stay. Fear of it all. How does one negotiate through all of this?? The biggest parts of me just say tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow I will get up, shower, get dressed, go to work, and then come home… Once again not answering any of the above…
June, 2010 I took my last BC pill.
Nov, 2011 I found out I was preg
April 2012 I gave birth 12 weeks early to our son
May 2012 Our son passed away
July 2012 was his due date
Sept 2013 I had surgery to explore infertility options
Jan 2014 I had a miscarriage
Today is May 14, 2015 and I am not pregnant.
That is a lot of TTC, sheets and sheets of papers writing down cycles, dates, BBT, BFN, thinking it is BFP, DPO, checking EDD, wishing for EDD, HPT, LP, researching IVF, IUI, O, MC, CS, International Adoption, Domestic Adoption. Yes, been there done that… doing it….. I am an expert in it.
Despite it all there is that part deep down to the left that says God will not leave me here. He will not let me finish my life as a mother with empty arms..
In my last post I talked about defining moments and events in life. All of us have had many.
First kiss, first love, graduation, the day I met my true love, the proposal, our wedding day and November 15, 2011. The day I got the BFP! Each of these events and many many more have shaped and changed my life in many ways.
In my very humble opinion the most defining moment of my life was becoming a mother. Hearing his heartbeat for the first time. First ultrasound. Hearing his most beautiful cry at 12:03 pm on April 27, 2012. He was here! 12 weeks early. Delivered by emergency C-section as he was breech. Feisty and weighing in at 1442 grams. 39 cms long. The most beautiful baby every born. (I know this as I am his mother.) Hahaha…
We settled in for a stay in the NICU. Most likely 8-12 weeks. He was doing well. I was pumping milk, he was active, eating well, thriving and gaining weight. My husband was living at the hospital with us. Our family of 3 was together and doing what we could. Breakfast in the morning, spending the day by his bedside, baths, feedings, diaper changes, and bedtime stories.
Nine days later something was wrong. Bloodwork was done, meds were started, shaved his hair for IV’s. He was sick. One of the scariest things any parent can hear.
Sending out good thoughts for the weekend!