Posts tagged “Birth

Definition of Motherhood

Definition: The state of being a mother.  Reference: Merriam-Webster.

Recently, my mother has mentioned several times that a family member keeps bringing up the subject of grandchildren.   She made the following statement this week.  “You will never have any grandchildren of your own.” So, by this statement you would deduce that I am not a Mother.??

Can you help me to understand this statement?  I really am at a loss.

It appears lately she has been fixated on the fact that most of my female cousins do not have children.  She cannot get past it and keeps bringing up the subject to my mother.  Given that my sister got married a year ago, now the competition is on again.  I mean who keeps tally of such a personal thing as this?

Only two of the 7 cousins have given birth.  One cousin passed away before marriage.  One had several miscarriages in her early 30’s and has not tried again.  One had a full hysterectomy at 27.  One does not want children. 

I have one full sibling.  She married last year and has not had any children yet.  I have 6 step-nieces and nephews, making my mother their Nanny.  She is also Nanny to our son C.

Ummm….I did not fill out a survey when my son was born indicating how many days I would like him to be with us on earth…  I did in fact conceive him and gave birth to him.  Yes, I remember all to well the drive to the hospital in labor, as well as the following 10 hours leading up to his birth by emergency C-section.

So, her rationalization is that my son’s death erased his existence and therefore, my Motherhood?

I have been tossing this information around for a few days and weeks now.  I can say that I am completely angry.  I am in shock.  How could someone in my own family be that hurtful?  How could someone be that.. what is the word…uneducated.  Umm, perhaps not the correct term but you know where I am going…

All I could stammer out to my Mother was the following:

Perhaps, you could inform her that I have already won the competition, 3+ years ago.  I have a child.  I am the one that held him as he took his dying breath.  A life, I might add that I would have given my own for.  A life that I begged God to spare.



Hip Hip Horray!  We made it through the long weekend.  It was up and down and now is done.  Here, in my little part of the world, we had THE BEST weather.  It was 32 all weekend.  With fall looming, anticipating the turning of the leaves, it was nice to have one last hot weekend to spend on the water.

We had more family visiting this weekend.  It went well. However, it did further drive home just how little my own family understands our situation.  My sister and her husband were at our home.  He has never been (they live a 15 hour drive from us). He was eyeing the family pictures on the wall.  The pictures of “C”.  You could tell he was uncomfortable.  He is our son.  It is our family.  Should we not have family pictures?

I often ask myself how can they be that out of touch with our feelings?  I have continued to say time and time again, we do not want anyone to understand this, as it would mean they have lived through it.  But, how can they not have any understanding at all.  We recently had a family anniversary.  I have one cousin who had a breakdown last year.  He now suffers from social anxiety.  That is how I would label it.  DH and I have the same issues.  We no longer can handle large groups of people or even family gatherings at someone’s home.  Because we cannot handle the repercussions of not going we put in an appearance and then vacate when possible.  Both breathing a huge sigh as we enter our vehicle to go home.

On the weekend I was speaking about this with Mother.  DH and I had stayed in the foyer and talked to a couple of cousins during the party.  There were 200+ people in the room.  I said it was just too much.  We could not be in the room.  Mother replied “I know I could not get around in there”  ???????????????????  No, Mom, DH and I cannot handle being around that many people.. It is too much for us.  To which I get no response.

I believed we have managed the questions and people’s curiosity quite well over the years.  However, I am finding it harder as time goes on and I am finding myself shutting down even more.  Why do I need to continue to explain this?

DH and I are on the bubble.  The future bubble.  What do we do with ourselves for the rest of our marriage?  Yes, we are TTC.  I know the likelihood of it ever happening is pretty much nil but I am not able to make that decision to end it.  I cannot face that decision.  It is too hard.  But that being said.  What do we do with the next 40 years?  There will be no basketball games on Thursday night, no sleep overs on Saturday.  No birthday parties to plan, No back to school shopping.  No summer vacations and summer camp.  It will be just be the two of us.

The twins made their appearance yesterday.  All was well.  Only 3.5 hours from the time they started her IV until Twin B (the girl) was born.  She only pushed for less than an hour.  Over all a wonderful birthing experience.  Twin A, the boy, 5 lbs 4 oz.  Twin B, the girl, 4 lbs 15 oz.   Born at 37w2d.  They will be home soon.  Now they are a family of 5.  How very strange.  We were pregnant together 4 years ago.  The boys were born 8 days apart.  Yesterday, she gave birth to twins.  For the 1000th time, my period started…..  Kind of an omen.  Another reminder that our time has passed.


Defining Events

In my last post I talked about defining moments and events in life.  All of us have had many.

First kiss, first love, graduation, the day I met my true love, the proposal, our wedding day and November 15, 2011.  The day I got the BFP!  Each of these events and many many more have shaped and changed my life in many ways.

In my very humble opinion the most defining moment of my life was becoming a mother.  Hearing his heartbeat for the first time.  First ultrasound.  Hearing his most beautiful cry at 12:03 pm on April 27, 2012.  He was here!  12 weeks early.  Delivered by emergency C-section as he was breech.  Feisty and weighing in at 1442 grams. 39 cms long.  The most beautiful baby every born.  (I know this as I am his mother.) Hahaha…

We settled in for a stay in the NICU.  Most likely 8-12 weeks.  He was doing well. I was pumping milk, he was active, eating well, thriving and gaining weight.  My husband was living at the hospital with us.  Our family of 3 was together and doing what we could.  Breakfast in the morning, spending the day by his bedside, baths, feedings, diaper changes, and bedtime stories.

Nine days later something was wrong.  Bloodwork was done, meds were started, shaved his hair for IV’s.  He was sick.  One of the scariest things any parent can hear.

Sending out good thoughts for the weekend!