I am still working on the remainder of my post about Defining Events. I am collecting my thoughts.
I saw a counsellor for a time after my son passed away. I will be completely honest. The number one benefit from speaking to her and baring all was learning for myself that each and every thought and feeling I have is normal. Completely! Grief, hate, love, endless despair, want, need, failure, fear, devotion to name a few.
I know this may sound strange but the one question that bothers me the most is “how are you coping”. I know. It is not meant to be a negative question, but to me it feels so. I “cope” just fine. I get up every morning, I shower, I put on my pants, I go to work, I do my job, I come home and clean, I make meals, I do laundry and I pay the bills. Yes, perhaps tonight I am up until 1 or 2 am but I will get up in the AM and do it all over again.
I call this “living” not “coping”. Yes, I talk about my son. Yes, I use his name. Yes he is ever-present in my thoughts. Yes, many people are uncomfortable with this. I am his mother. It is uncomfortable for me if you choose to pretend he did not exist. Because that makes it easier for you to function in your every day life. He lived, he breathed, he died. He was a person. He is my son. My husband, and me, plus C equals three. We are a family of three.
It is my hope that by sharing our feelings and experiences it may bring you comfort as you yourself may be having a difficult time.. Wishing you all a good night.
I have had a few days to get my feet wet and think about this.
Why am I blogging?
Well, for many reasons. A way to express myself. My thoughts, my experiences. To connect with other people.
After the loss of my son, many things in life became much more clear. What types of things do I want to let into my life? What thoughts and criticisms will I listen to and take to heart?
Maybe another father, mother, grandmother, will take comfort in hearing our experiences. My husband and I at most times have felt very much alone. Not understood. Pushed to “get over it” to “Move on”.
As with all parents our son is the center of our life. Although, I am not able to tuck in my child each night. Nor will I ever hear the sound of my son’s voice calling me Mommy. We are forever more Mommy and Daddy.
I will most likely blog about my interests (cooking, quilting, reading, knitting, days at the lake) and how our family lives each day with empty arms. Our journey trying to conceive our second child with infertility.