I am currently living and experiencing life as a 40 year old. Which in itself is emotional. Then you add grieving Mother to the mix.. Ta da!
I have been struggling with the future. Who am I and what will I be in 10 years. How do I fill in the empty spaces in my life? The ones where I am not reading stories and going for bike rides, playing with lego. No little pairs of jeans to wash.
What will I do with these moments in time? The future.
DH and I went away for a few days after we were married but did not take a “honeymoon”. We have never had a weeks vacation together. Our cousin’s have been telling us for years to come and book with them. Just do it.
Well, last Friday, I just did it! Sun, sand and complete nothing for 7 days. What will we do with ourselves. This will bring a smile to your face. DH cannot swim. I am taking him to a beach for a week and he cannot swim. Bahahaa.. He can watch me swim?
I know, emotionally, I need to take a step back. If the last four years have taught me anything, it is to just let it go. However, I continue to pressure myself to look ahead, make decisions, formulate a plan. I need to know what will fill the holes in my day.
Who will ignore me at the Nursing Home in 40 years? Who will mow the lawn?
I have spoken of grief before. Grief is an every day part of our lives. With grief comes these fears. These unknowns.
My biggest fear is for my DH. How do I fill his empty spaces with enough to dull the pain? He deserves better. He deserves more.
For today, I will make his favorite meal. I will ensure he has clean laundry and I will say I love you and kiss him goodnight.
Fear has taken over and I am self-sabotaging weight loss, trying to get healthy, calling Social Services to put our name on adoption list. I am scared of out of MIND! We have had to give one child back… Cannot live with having to do it again. What few eggs I do have are getting OLD…. Scared to keep trying as the fear of unknown, birth defects, another miscarriage, another pre-term labor and NICU stay. Fear of it all. How does one negotiate through all of this?? The biggest parts of me just say tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow I will get up, shower, get dressed, go to work, and then come home… Once again not answering any of the above…
June, 2010 I took my last BC pill.
Nov, 2011 I found out I was preg
April 2012 I gave birth 12 weeks early to our son
May 2012 Our son passed away
July 2012 was his due date
Sept 2013 I had surgery to explore infertility options
Jan 2014 I had a miscarriage
Today is May 14, 2015 and I am not pregnant.
That is a lot of TTC, sheets and sheets of papers writing down cycles, dates, BBT, BFN, thinking it is BFP, DPO, checking EDD, wishing for EDD, HPT, LP, researching IVF, IUI, O, MC, CS, International Adoption, Domestic Adoption. Yes, been there done that… doing it….. I am an expert in it.
Despite it all there is that part deep down to the left that says God will not leave me here. He will not let me finish my life as a mother with empty arms..
Too scared to think about this. To scared to wish. You know the feeling? You are late and you think, is that a twitch. What is that. Is my cycle coming. Is this a sign…..Or am I pregnant. Is this really it this time. After almost four years of tracking everything. I have seen a lot of BFN’s. I have only seen one BFP. I had a couple of faint BFP’s but only one that was holy crap that thing has TWO LINES. Sunday is my son’s birthday. It is too much to wish that I would get a BFP on that day. Too meaningful. So, for now I will continue to ignore the huge calendar in my binder. You know, the one that has my entire TTC journey on it. I am ignoring it. It doesn’t exist. Let’s just hope I do not need to take it out and mark an x to complete this cycle and start a new one for the beginning of the 26th cycle since we started TTC after losing our son.
I guess the best way to describe the situation is to dial back the clock to yesterday.
At 8 am yesterday morning the Police in our area received a phone call saying that someone was going to be bringing a gun to school. immediately 3 cars of police were dispatched to the school. Eventually, K9 officers arrived as well. This information was not made public.. Just after 9 am they notified our company HR to let all staff know “The school is on lockdown. There has been a unsubstantiated threat. Remain calm and more news will be made available as it arises.”
Ok yea right. It is a K-12 school. I mean your children are there.. You get NO information and you are to remain calm! WHATEVER! As the day progressed we still do not know anything. Reports on the local radio etc basically said the same thing as above. “School is on lockdown. No one is allowed in or out. They are doing a sweep of the school. There is a unsubstantiated threat.”
At 2:00 pm approximately they began letting children go if they had someone there to pick them up. We received more reports that they were doing another sweep of the school after all the children left. At 5:30 pm yesterday via the radio station they reported “It has been determined to be a hoax.” It was only then did they release the information about receiving the phone call at 8 am etc.
This morning I went to our staff kitchen to fill my water bottle. When I arrived, there were 8 women “getting coffee”, discussing yesterday. One of the ladies (I shall be polite) stated. “They are nothing but F’n idiots. There was nothing to worry about,” This particular lady has two sons. Both of which are graduated and well she has been involved with questionable situations in the past. I shall leave it at that because it is not polite to air others laundry and hers is VERY STAINED AND DIRTY. Her comment really made me angry…………………..What kind of Mother judges another Mother for being scared, fearful and upset to name a few because they do not know about the welfare of their child and or children!!!!!!!!!!!! I of course could not keep my tongue quiet. “As a Mother who as buried a child, they are not F’n idiots.” She then tried to defend herself. “Well they shouldn’t have been on FB scaring other Mothers.” Whatever!! I responded “Well, they didn’t have to read FB did they!”
When I returned to my desk I received an IM from one of the ladies in the room. “She is a knob!! LOL” Yes my dear, yes she is a knob!!!! I responded “Not all of us have the same Mothering instinct and ability to love. Nor do all have the instinct to protect at all cost.”
It is unfortunate that judgements like this exist. That loving, caring Mother’s need to justify their emotions. I for one understand. No, I cannot relate to that particular situation. But. I know exactly what it is like to feel terrified, fearful and helpless to protect your child from harm. I send out good thoughts for those Mother’s today and all the Mother’s and Father’s who have had to live in these fearful situations and ones far far worse. We are the lucky ones. This situation ended safely. That we can be thankful for.
Over the past week I have noticed on a lot of the blogs I have been following that this is always a shared experience. An experience that we can do without. I do understand that each and every thing that we do in life touches our life and our family.
When you are building a home…how many washrooms will you need for your family of 2, 4 or 6? What size sewer tank? When purchasing a car… How many seats and space do you need to accommodate your family? When buying a washing machine do you plan on having a family of 4??? Life insurance. What provisions do you need to make? Calling to book a hotel for a vacation? Our income taxes. No matter which way we turn we are always answering or faced with the question how many members are in your family?
When you are one of us these simple everyday questions become something to fear. A constant reminder of what we do not have or can not have. We understand that no one means any ill will toward us or that they are asking these questions to hurt us.. But, they do hurt, they make us cry, they make us angry, they make us to live in fear on when we will have to answer one of them and what answer do we give.
Our son passed away in May of 2012. I was home on maternity leave for a few months. I had not gone far from home. I had been to a postpartum checkup and other than going to the grocery store and the bank I had not left the 5 mile radius of my home. You see our home is our safe place. Nothing can touch us there. We can allow in what we can handle or what we wish. We do not have to answer the phone and we can just shut the door. It is where we stay to protect ourselves emotionally.
One of my cousins was getting married in August. 1400 km from my home. It was a couple of weeks before I was due back to work. There were five of us growing up that are all 6 years apart in age. We have always had some great times and I was honored to be invited to share in his special day. We set off to go to the wedding. I did not fare well. I cried myself to sleep each night and was an emotional wreck. I had not left home since the day my son passed away. He is buried 2 kms from our home. I felt like I had left him. I have never in my life had anxiety. I have it often now. Crowds, distance none of the such have every bothered me. I have travelled alone many times, driving, flying etc. I could not do that now.
The wedding was beautiful and followed by a lovely reception. We were seated at round tables, in groups of 6. My husband, sister and I were seated with another couple. The gentleman was a pastor. They were a nice couple. During the meal he asked the following of my husband and I. “How many kids do you have?” I froze. This is the first time I had been faced with that question since our son passed. I could not answer I was scared. When no one answered him he said “What you do not want kids, you do not like kids, what is it?” My sister is now upset. (She is what you call feisty) She gives him a look that pins him to his chair and says “Their only child, a son, just died!!” He then looks at us with the same look of fear we have. He realizes what he has done and has absolutely no idea how to get out of it. All he can mutter is “I am sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” I replied “That’s ok.” What do you say? How do you deal with this? My Aunt sees the look of horror on my face and me crying and comes running. “Are you going to be ok?” Simple enough question and meant out of love. But really the answer is no. No I am not ok.. No I am not going to be ok. I said “Great, excuse me I have to go to the washroom”
I know in my heart that questions like these are not meant to hurt. This does not ease the pain of having to answer them. Being the person in my shoes, I try to avoid being asked questions. I think in the end that the person on the other side really does not want me to be absolutely truthful about what my life is like, how I feel and what future I face. Let’s be real about this…
I took this picture one Sunday at the lake a couple of years ago. I have always been obsessed with butterflies. I wore an opal butterfly pendant on my wedding day along with a pewter butterfly pin (my husband bought for me) tucked amongst the roses in my bouquet. I have two butterfly tattoos. I tuck them here and there in my crafts. If you were to come to my home, it is not fluttering with them but subtly here and there is always a hint of one. You just have to look.
They are a thing of beauty. Soft, wispy, colourful.
I am having a hard week. There are so many things for a wife, a woman a mother to have to face when walking my path. I woke up on May 17, 2012 knowing that the house was quiet and there wasn’t anyone there that needed me to look after them. Each day is a struggle. You are never yet ready to face tomorrow or to think of what tomorrow will be. Despite it all you continue to have hopes and dream of things that may come. For the past 18 months I have been wishing, praying, hoping, dreaming of a second child.
These past weeks I am scared to look in the mirror. What do I see when I look? A terrified woman unable to change what the future will bring. A woman who is not yet ready to tell herself to give up. A woman who wants to hear that inner voice saying you still have a bit of time. There is still that possibility that you can have a second child. I have had a few breakdowns this week. I get up and dress. Head to work. Cry in the car. I am sitting here on my afternoon break crying. I cried while I folded laundry last night. I cried at my appointment at the hospital last week with my Dietician. (I feel bad I think I scared her!!) The feelings of helplessness are back. Well, they never really left since my son died. I have always been someone who was in control of life and went with it. Yea I might not always know where I was going but so what I would get there eventually. And usually had an adventure on the way. My current adventure is not as much fun……. Thank goodness I not alone on this adventure. I have someone to hold my hand. He also has been through enough. I cannot lay all of these feelings as his feet. He is hurting, he is crying, he is scared too. I am unable to make it better. All I can do is love him.
The pendant, on the necklace I wear every day, is two hearts intertwined into a butterfly. The right side is yellow gold. That is me.. The left side is white gold. That is my husband. The butterfly that it forms. That is our son. That is our family.