Four years ago today was “C”‘s official due date.
Four years of longing. Four years of wishing and dreaming.
56 cycles with 55 ending in nothing and one in a miscarriage.
I look toward the future. I still hope and dream. I am not ready yet to say that I am done and to close up shop. Not that the shop is working anyway but as long as you keep it open there is still a chance right??
Time does not change the reality of our lives. I have touched before on coping. 4 years and 7 weeks later. I am still living.
This weekend we attended a family wedding. My husband was part of the wedding party. Which meant I was left to put in my time between events and to find my own seat during the reception. The weather held and it was a nice day had by all.
That being said, regardless of it being family and close personal friends, I still felt alone. Strange I know, however from 8 am until 8 pm I was left to my own device. Hair, makeup, waiting for the ceremony, watching my husband from afar. Cousins taking care of their family and children etc. I just had my camera and my lip gloss.
I was surrounded by 100 people, yet I was so very alone. Nothing in life prepares you for these events and passing of time. I believe this will get worse with time. What will 50 be like when all we know are going to graduation or watching grandchildren. I have spent the last 8 months trying to organize these thoughts in my head and to try to understand where we are heading in life as a family.
I continue to ask myself this question “why do they tell you that grief gets easier”? Seriously, have these people even stopped to think about the consequences to this grief and it’s relationship with the rest of that person/families life?
I am currently living and experiencing life as a 40 year old. Which in itself is emotional. Then you add grieving Mother to the mix.. Ta da!
I have been struggling with the future. Who am I and what will I be in 10 years. How do I fill in the empty spaces in my life? The ones where I am not reading stories and going for bike rides, playing with lego. No little pairs of jeans to wash.
What will I do with these moments in time? The future.
DH and I went away for a few days after we were married but did not take a “honeymoon”. We have never had a weeks vacation together. Our cousin’s have been telling us for years to come and book with them. Just do it.
Well, last Friday, I just did it! Sun, sand and complete nothing for 7 days. What will we do with ourselves. This will bring a smile to your face. DH cannot swim. I am taking him to a beach for a week and he cannot swim. Bahahaa.. He can watch me swim?
I know, emotionally, I need to take a step back. If the last four years have taught me anything, it is to just let it go. However, I continue to pressure myself to look ahead, make decisions, formulate a plan. I need to know what will fill the holes in my day.
Who will ignore me at the Nursing Home in 40 years? Who will mow the lawn?
I have spoken of grief before. Grief is an every day part of our lives. With grief comes these fears. These unknowns.
My biggest fear is for my DH. How do I fill his empty spaces with enough to dull the pain? He deserves better. He deserves more.
For today, I will make his favorite meal. I will ensure he has clean laundry and I will say I love you and kiss him goodnight.
Sending you all warm wishes for a wonderful New Year.
DH and I will be staying in.
In the past we have taken over night trips with another couple, with dinner out and dancing. We have hit the bars or a house party. This year we will stay home and eat all of our favorite things and watch movies.
I began cooking last evening. Taco dip, bacon water chestnuts, stuffed mushrooms and sweet and sour meatballs. Enough to feed a whole house party but hey. We will be able to pick throughout the weekend.
We will also take a drive to “C’s” grave.
Tonight we face another year. As always, we wish for a year filled with memories and love. We dream for the what ifs. I am thankful for the love of my life and the life we have built. I am comforted with the knowledge that he is always there to hold my hand.
May you find peace and love as we begin 2016.
Last evening, I was taking a stroll on my treadmill. Which is conveniently located in front of the TV. As I flicked through the channels I decided to watch “Roseanne” re-runs.
Mistake # 1.
Who knew, that watching a show that had brought much laughter into our younger lives could make one cry so much. Yes, the show is considered a sitcom. However, if you sit down and watch a few episodes, you will soon realize the messages within. Last night’s episode “Her Boyfriend’s Back”. Found Becky and Mark borrowing Dan’s bike for the night without permission. We saw Roseanne & Dan trying to parent a teenage daughter. Becky learned the ultimate lesson of disappointment. She realized that making her parents angry was one thing but disappointment was far worse to endure. We see the love Dan felt for his daughter as he tried to bridge the gap between then after their falling out. Roseanne went to Mark and expressed her love for her daughter and silently told him that she only wants him to treat her as she should be.
Throughout this entire 30 minute show, flashes of my future kept coming and going. We will never have these times and arguments with our son. We will never be at wits end because he had started dating a new girl and was missing curfew. We will never get the opportunity to sit and chat and talk about that pretty new girl and the color of her hair and tease him about their future. As I sat and watched the show the tears continued to fall.
Who knew “Roseanne” could be so deep!
Well here I am typing away when I need to be packing but that can wait for a moment. I am thinking ahead to my weekend away.
Four days, just DH and I. No family, no phones, no one that knows us.
I have hopes that I may find a piece of myself. I know that is a very far-fetched idea given that I have spent the last 3 1/2 years living with grief and loss. It is not as if I have lost my self. I have lost my future self. At times, I feel as if I am 16 years old again facing the vast expanse of my future and adulthood. Where will I go? What will I do? Not that I ever truly knew where I would be. But that little voice in your head always said work, life, marriage, children. I have achieved each of those things. However, God and life chose my picture to be painted differently than most would imagine.
I need to find that way within myself to frame this picture. There are still several paintings which have begun but are yet unfinished. For my own sanity I have to see my current painting differently. I will never give up the hope that I will be able to bring another child into our lives. But. For now I need to paint the picture differently.
I can always paint in whatever I wish. Heck, I am the one holding this brush!
Here I sit at my desk, looking out at the cloudy sky. It is a beautiful day in my little spot of the world. There are beautiful pieces of blue sky intermixed with the fluffy, grey rain clouds. It will be raining later, but for now they are so pretty floating by. I often sit and wonder how to best express myself and to put into words who I am.
I realize that often my posts are not of the positive variety. I do not wish to portray that my life is always on the down side. I just want it to be real. I began posting as an outlet to share my true emotions in anonymity. Yes, I felt and do most often that this is the best. Those of you in situations like mine know that you cannot share all of these feelings with your family and general acquaintances as well. A) they will completely freak out and B) THEY WILL REALLY FLIP. Hahaha.
I mean how do you tell Sally so and so that she is a completely self-absorbed individual that takes full advantage of the life that she has and the two beautiful children she birthed. That by day you would like to reach over from your desk and just slap some sense into her. Hard! For her to be grateful for her joys. This particular Sally “farms” out said children multiples times per week. Not just for the day but overnight etc. Why have children if you do not wish to parent and be a family. The following statement is often heard “me time”. Ok, please do not judge we all need me time to be productive at work and at home in our family life. I do not disagree. But EVERY DAY! Good land!
This is one of the many daily thoughts and situations that one experiences. I have done well I believe. I for the most part keep my feelings and thoughts to myself. Although, with anything there comes a time when you have to make a comment. I have tried in best form, to present my comments in an off-handed way. But sometimes they just need to be said.
I am at an impasse in my life. I am no longer sure who I am. I no longer know what my wants should be for the future, for tomorrow. When it is ingrained into you to be this, to want that. How do you change that when it really not your choice? How do I make it all enough? My life currently is very small. I get up and dress go to work and live to go home. To see my husband. To be in our space. I used to be larger, more involved, more people, more places. I no longer care for that now.
The answer to my question is:
I am me.