Throughout the past few years I have been more and more of a homebody. Not that I do not wish to see people but I feel more comfortable and safe in my own home and my own skin. Like running all the errands on Friday night so you can shut out the world until Monday. This is the results of being parents with empty arms.
Today, I am professing my love for online convenience. I realize that yes, this is part of our downfall in society. The fact that we actually do not leave our homes or offices. Things like paying the power bill, registering the car and ordering a movie can all be done from the privacy of my little oasis! I for one LOVE it! Hahaha… I also feel on some levels that these conveniences have allowed us more time to spend with our loved ones as we are not running to 20 places each week.
I am even devising a plan to do more shopping on-line for Christmas this year.. I usually shop all year and try to be complete by December 1st. That way I can enjoy or ignore the holiday season depending on my mood or the day……. I am approximately 25% complete on that goal. Thank goodness for Etsy! Yes, I sew, quilt, knit, crochet and what have you. I will be making some things this year too. I believe my niece will be getting one of these. Chop chop. I only have 188ish days to get ready.
That being said I am ignoring this weekend… Yes, we are 48 hours from Father’s Day. I continue each day to carry with me the guilt that my loving husband never got the chance to have his first Father’s Day with his only child. You see, I was able to spend my first Mother’s day with he and our son. Three days later he passed away. ( You can read about some of my Mother’s Day here and here.) Yes, we celebrate it and he is the best Father I know but I will forever hurt to not have the memory of my husband holding his son on that day.
Happy Father’s Day to one and all and warm wishes to you.
Last night, well actually this AM. I was in my basement “cleaning” my sewing room. Which, I will confess also involved watching 2 movies. Hahaha.. One cannot sort fabric in silence. There must be something for distraction.
At 1 am this morning I was sorting books and patterns while watching a random movie which I have seen goodness knows how many times. It was a sappy, cute, love story type.
It was a that moment that I began to cry. I cried for the future I will not have and for the past that I live. Yes, random movies, books, a drive in the car, what have you will trigger emotions. Then there you are bawling your eyes out and dreaming of the what if. Of the what will never be. They come and they go. Does that make me too emotional? I do not think so. Does that make me not normal? I do not feel so. If anything does that not make me more normal because I am in touch with my emotions?
I would like to be able to tell you that grief slowly fades away. Becomes a part of yesterday. It does not. Grief is always ever-present. It is who I am. It has changed who I am.
When someone asks you to describe yourself what do you think and what do you say? I know that these are two completely different things. At least, they are for me.
I am a 30 something wife. I work full-time and have lots of hobbies. I like to quilt and read and days spent on or near water.
That is my PC description.
Here is the true description.
I am a 30 something wife and grieving mother. I work full-time and have lots of hobbies. I like to quilt and read and days spent on or near water.
See what a difference those three small words make? Those three small words are always with me. It is for this reason, that random things, trigger those emotions.
…. I guess that is about the best way to start this. I first want to say that I am so grateful to be able to connect with you all. It has brought me great comfort to be able to share and in turn to be able to be a part of your blogs etc.
If you have been following along.. The answer to the question is X . I was so hoping that it would be different. You see my due date would have been at a very special time of the year for us.
With that brings the story of my weekend. We were to attend a birthday party for the young man born 8 days after our son. Husband and I had a very hard time going. It was everything we had emotionally. They had rented a bouncy thing for the kids to play in. As we stood in the drive, Watching the kids, up the road you can see our son’s headstone. So there we stood, tears in eyes.. Wondering, how we are going to make it through going inside and presents etc… And then……. I hear my husband’s cousin and his girlfriend talking. They are due Dec 28th.. 2 days earlier than I would be if I had not had the X! It is constant. No matter which way we turn there is something, another reminder, another punch in the gut. At this time, I am currently fighting the urge to just turn around and leave. Get in the car and go home where it is safe.
No, I tell myself. You will be branded the a$$ if you do not go. You will be considered rude etc if you do not do what they want you to do. Why are we programmed to do EVERYTHING that others expect but never once take into consideration how much we can handle emotionally? I keep asking myself this question. I stayed! I went to another room. I did not watch presents, or blowing out the candle. I cannot handle it. But I stayed. I made the effort because I love them and want them to be able to enjoy what we cannot. Not once did anyone even bother to consider what it would mean for us to have to sit there knowing that 8 days ago we should have done the same thing for our own son. Not once did anyone in the last week say I am sorry you didn’t get to experience this. I am sorry you will never know what it feels like to have your 2-year-old yelling Mommy as he runs across the lawn. We are just expected to do whatever it is that everyone else wants……..
One book has special meaning for my husband and I. The day before Mother’s Day 2012, he took me to the mall to pickup a couple of things. One of which was the book “On the Night You Were Born” by Nancy Tillman. The next day, on my first and only Mother’s Day, I sat rocking my sick, dying son as my husband read this story. Each night we read this to him at bedtime in the NICU. It means so very much. My last memory of this was hearing my husband read it at his grave as they lowered his casket.
Last night, as I signed into FB, I see that our cousin (the mother to the boy above) posted the first page of this book on her wall. She knows what that book means to us. I know we do not own it or have exclusive rights. We are family. A very close one at that. She knows what it means. It is etched into the back of our son’s headstone. I responded to her post. I attached a picture of my son’s headstone with the comment “Great Minds think alike”. She hid my post.
I am tired. I am weary. I am grieving for my son. I grieve for the Father’s Day my husband will never have as he passed before that day. This weekend is Mother’s Day. I wear that title proudly. I am C’s Mommy. He is my precious son. I have sacrificed much to hold this title. I was the Mommy who held Daddy’s hand when the DR came to our room and wanted us to end his life. I am the same Mommy that said “He is our son. We are a family and we will allow him to tell us what he can and cannot handle. We will fight together! We will stand behind him!” He may have been 17 days old but that matters not. He fought hard for his life. He is our son!
Today.. I am saying the same. Today, I am C’s Mommy and I will stand up for my feelings and my emotions. I will not allow anyone, family included to abuse the love of myself or my husband. Nor, will I allow anyone to belittle our position in life. We are parents and we have made a huge sacrifice to earn that title. Anyone can give birth…….. But, not just anyone can be a Mother.
Wishing you all much love this week and on this Mother’s Day weekend. You all deserve to know that you are honored. You are thought of with love.