Send warm wishes to all near and far.
Christmas. I have most presents bought and wrapped. They are not delivered. I did send some cards in the mail this week.
No, my tree is not up. No, I cannot even fathom when I might feel like it. Perhaps this weekend.. Who knows.
I have been absent for a time. My birthday has come and gone. This past year has been trying for me. I am on a road of self discovery. Who am I? Who am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to be?
I am no closer to the answers. I know that I am a wife. I am C’s mother. However, where do I go from here? What do I fill our lives with from here on?
It has been 41/2 years since C passed away. No, this holiday is no better. No different. The gut wrenching pain. The loneliness. The want.
No cute curly haired 4 year old to buy Santa gifts for. No one to bake cookies with. No one to read Christmas stories to.
Yes, we do have and find joy in our lives when and where we can. Santa is bring us snowshoes. I cannot wait to take my husband out for the day. Build a fire, roast hotdogs and marshmallows. I have bought a few special things for him from Santa. I always try and make Christmas the best I can for him. That is the least that I can do for the love of my life.
On New Year’s we stay we stay in and I bake all day. All of his favorite snacks. We then watch movies.
Sending out much love and wishes to all you and yours for a warm, joyous and wonderful Holiday this year and best wishes for all in the coming year.
I read a post this morning, that got me to thinking. This blogger, My Perfect Breakdown, touches me in so many ways. She is thoughtful and insightful and filled with much love. Her most recent post reminds me so much of our family struggles and lives.
Family holidays, the times when you wish to see family, friends, cousins from afar. The times when you want that sense of security and love. They are not always so.
My DH and I both come from large families. His much larger than mine. We have siblings and many cousins. Many of which are as close as a sibling. We each grew up very close to our grandparents. We are blessed with these memories and occasions.
Then we married. My parents separated when I was 4 years old. I have lived my entire life with a split family. This has been a note of tension with my in-laws since day one. They do not understand or respect the parameters which I must navigate through each holiday. To ensure that each and every parent and grandparent has been checked off the list.
Christmas looks much like this.
- Work until noon Christmas Eve
- Last minute stops at the stores on way home
- Prepare super for parents, in-laws etc for 4 pm (I began this tradition thinking it would help the checklist…)
- Clean up supper
- We head to church for 6:30 pm. We switch between his parents and mine each year.
- After church we head to DH’s Aunt and Uncles for Christmas Eve to see his cousins and spend time together. (Usually getting home by 1 or 2 am)
- Christmas morning can be any number of things. Breakfast at my in-laws, followed by dinner at my parents and supper is always at my Grandmother’s at 5:30 pm. At my grandmother’s I will see my father.
- Boxing day we go to my parents to see their gifts and usually boxing day shopping followed by supper at my In-laws.
It is a constant schedule change and mix up to ensure we have been everywhere, and at the times they dictate we be there. Within all of this we go to our son’s grave to light a candle and spend time with him as well.
Easter and Thanksgiving are much the same. As I have aged, I feel there is no quality time anymore as we are rushed between them all. I try to hint at some to change schedules to different days. So that we all do not feel rushed and can take time to spend with all but that never happens.
DH has grown to dislike all holidays. This weekend will be no different. Often, Tuesday morning heading to work is a relief. Things are back to normal.
I never wanted to be in this state for myself. I strive to calm holidays down for my DH’s sake and so that we can enjoy. I just struggle to find the balance.
Sending you all warm wishes for this holiday weekend. May you be surrounded by love and good memories.
We are away for the weekend. Holidays do not have the same feeling as they once did. We often just feel the need to get out-of-town and have us time. Time to go for a walk, eat dinner, go to the mall. Just to be anonymous… or as I like to say invisible. Perhaps it sounds odd.
My parents are also away with us. They are across town at a different hotel. After we had supper this evening we were walking through the mall. I saw someone who I haven`t seen in years. He is married to a woman I grew up with. Went to school with. I did not want to see her. So, I said to my parents keep moving, hurry up………….
It is hard to explain. Most of you will know this feeling this need. I just am not able to see and speak to people. I suffer from anxiety at times. I do not like that feeling. The one where you run into someone from your past….and they are surveying you. Checking you over. You can read it in their eyes. The calculated look……
I said to Mother, she would not talk to me anyway…. My Mother responds Well she has no problem speaking to me. You’re the one that does not talk to people. I have been with many people and you come along and just to not speak. I asked her what she was talking about…..No, I am not like I once was. I always say hello. But. I am not able to handle a lot of interaction. I cannot handle conversations about this ones new Grandbaby this and so and so that is pregnant. I shut down in these conversations. It is how I protect myself.
In the middle of the mall this evening my Mother called me a snob. Yes, my own Mother has not a sweet clue what is like to just want to crawl in a hole away from the prying eyes of society. My Mother has not got a sweet clue what it felt like being at the grocery store with my husband and having a childhood friend of ours RUN. I mean run down the aisle, to the lobby with her shopping car and out the door to her car to get away from us so that she did not have to face us. To not have to talk to us. I am fairly sure that I do not imagine and dream the looks, the whispers behind our back about us…
I have never been one that was part of the popular crowd. Truth be known it was not like that in my teen years. I do not remember so much of the defined groups like it is now. I am friendly with everyone. I speak to everyone. I am no longer as outgoing as I once was. I am not able to be. I used to plan a Family Fun Day for my company every year with minimum 200 people. I used to organize luncheons at work all of the time. I cannot do these things anymore. It is too much for me.
My own Mother does not understand. I do not choose to be this way. I did not choose to be who I am. If it had been my choice I would be in throes of planning a second birthday party for my son. Not standing in the middle of a mall 9 days before his birthday hurt beyond words because my Mother thinks I am a snob. Not the depressed, grief-stricken, lonely, terrified, anxious Mother who is trying to prepare herself the second anniversary of the day her Grandson passed away.