Four years ago today was “C”‘s official due date.
Four years of longing. Four years of wishing and dreaming.
56 cycles with 55 ending in nothing and one in a miscarriage.
I look toward the future. I still hope and dream. I am not ready yet to say that I am done and to close up shop. Not that the shop is working anyway but as long as you keep it open there is still a chance right??
I woke this morning. Did the usual, shower, dress, fed the fur balls, tanked up the car and now I sit at work.
I just looked up at my desk calendar. SHIT! I just entered my last 30 days of preparation. 30 days of being in my 30’s. My last 30 days of hoping and dreaming of a future that probably will not be.
I suffer from IF. Who really cares what my damn birth certificate says. What matters most is what my insides say. What matters most is the reality that they are turning 40. They are on the last legs of this feminine journey.
Let me clarify. I am carefree. I have never once gave a crap about what age I was. I never cared that I was in fashion or today hair is short or now we wear it long. I am a brown-haired, blue/green-eyed girl who is most comfortable in t-shirts, jeans and a pair of sneakers. I was carried out of the bar on my 21st birthday by two bouncers and placed on the curb…. Yea, you have it right, it was one hell of a night. My 25th was spent in Toronto. My 29th I was newly married and spending it with my love. On my 30th birthday, we poured the footing course, for what is now our home. On my 36th birthday, our son was conceived.
My uterus and all of its friends are turning 40!. Worst birthday ever!
First off, as usual no it is not me………..
Lately, my DH and I have been faced with the pending due date of a set of twins in our family. It is ever nearing. We have D-minus 8 weeks. She went 3 weeks early with her first child. Which happens to be the baby born the week after C.
We are overjoyed for them. Although, we just cannot partake it in all. They suffer from infertility as well, but with little intervention, have been able to conceive twice with very little time spent TTC. She has PCOS. This is their 2nd and 3rd miracles.
We are a very close-knit family. Cousins and their children and now grandchildren. We see each other very often. LIke weekly if not more than once per week. We struggle with how we will deal with the emotions of it all. When we found out she was expecting we read it on FB. I do not expect special treatment but given how close we are as a family I felt very hurt to have to read such information in a public announcement.. Even a simple text shortly before it appeared on FB to say Hi, the three of us are going to be 5 come September. Anything. Perhaps I should not have, but I did express my feelings on this. I said that I was very hurt to have read it in that manner. I know in my heart that they just do not know how to be around us. We know that it is not meant to be harmful but sometimes one just has to look at the big picture. The outcome of their actions.
This pregnancy has been that much harder. We took prenatal together with the boys. They were born 7 days apart. You just have that longing, that want all the time. You see the belly and wish and pray it was you too.
Today, I struggle with the how. How will we face this occasion with dignity, love and maintain our overall well-being?
I know for sure. There will be no visits to the hospital. They will be born where our son lived and died. We cannot go there. I am sure at some point in their first week or two we will meet. We will be the ones standing at the back of the room peeking over with tears in our eyes and very heavy hearts.
Today we await Twin 1 – Boy and Twin 2- Girl. May their arrival be safe and without issue. Their big brother is growing very impatient..
Yippee skip it is not the first of the week and not the end.
I have made it through yet another Monday. I look forward to Friday and I wonder what the rest of the days in between will be.
You know what I mean when I say you know all about it but yet even those closet to you make judgement calls and assumptions that you know nothing about a subject? I agree on many levels that we do not discuss our lives even with most of our closest family members. Only a handful of people know that we are TTC. That we have not been actively preventing pregnancy since the death of our son.
My cousin was visiting the other day. She and her husband are having fertility issues. He is undergoing surgery next week. She recently had HSG with Methylene Blue testing done. She told me in detail what they do, how sick she was and how much it hurt. I let her tell her story. When she was finished I said I know. I got my first blank stare.
I agreed it was not the most pleasant procedure and that I cramped and bleed after mine. But, all in all, that was not the worst of the day. That was the first time I had set foot in the hospital I lived in for 19 days. The same hospital my son died in. She just stared at me like I had three heads. I said imagine checking in, having to go for blood work and sit for 30 minutes waiting for some random nurse to inform you that you can proceed because YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT. Then heading in to strip naked and sit with your a$$ sticking to a stupid chair for 90 minutes waiting for the OBGYN to come and do the procedure. She is late as she is tied up in the delivery room. You are so glad to hear of someone else’s joy but there it is again that stab into your heart. It isn’t you. It was you 16 months ago. But that is another story. (You can read about it here. Our Story & Our Story Part 2.) You are 3 floors down with your fat a$$ stuck to a chair.
I will speak freely with her in hopes that maybe our experiences may help them in their TTC journey. However, I will not do so with many others. I am not able. I cannot face the judgements, the questions. You would think by now that I would be used to such things. I am not. I know that we need to speak out, to be heard, to help others. I try every day. But ultimately I am scared and just too weak. I apologize for that.
But tomorrow is a new day and maybe tomorrow it will be different.
Well. I took another dive….. Well that is how it feels. Who knows how or what will come of it but after having read a bit it cannot hurt.
Let’s just say I am curvy. Bahaha. (My husband especially likes a handful of them) I have low to moderate high blood pressure. It runs 120-130 over 70-85. Last week was 123 over 82. So really not too bad but with my family history of hypertension etc I have been on low does BP’s for a while as a preventative measure.
I was B12 deficient for some time and on shots for 5 years before pregnancy. Although, during pregnancy my B12 evened out and my Thyroid went to crap. (Thyriod runs rampant through my family. Mother, 3 aunts, 1 uncle, and currently 10 of us grandchildren on meds).
I do not have diabetes. I had ++ sugar spillage in my urine throughout my pregnancy. I did not develop Gestational, although I gave birth at 28w so who knows what could have happened. I was diagnosed with a glucose intolerance while pregnant. My sugars were between 6 and 7 in the AM on a 12 hour turn around. Usually throughout the day I would be in the low 5’s and often at 2 hours PC test would be below 5 often in the 4.1 – 4.5 range. So overall good and frankly I was not worried about the spillage because I felt it was being flushed so YAY! One of my DR’s did not have the same happy feeling. Hahaha..
Throughout my many blood works my markers have always been good for ovulation. Having had many tests and surgery, they were good as well.
So goes the life of an Infertile with unexplained infertility…
A few weeks ago my Dietician brought up the M word again. (Metformin) My OB had discussed with this prior to my first pregnancy but by a miracle we manage on our own.
I had an appointment to renew my other meds and just casually asked if he felt I was a candidate for Metformin. Mind you it was a fishing expedition in itself as I did not bother to bring up the P word, the F word or the B word. (pregnancy, fertility and baby) I let him think it was the s word. Sugar.. Hahaha.. I just could not have that conversation with him on this day. I was not emotionally prepared to hear anything negative. I just felt that hey it will not harm me and with my family history, current weight and sugars it could be a benefit and all around preventative measure. I picked them up last week. I am 7 days in.
Who is to know if this might give me a jump. If it might help all those things that do not work on the inside maybe create that one good chance for a host environment for my last-ditch effort to have another child?
Fingers crossed. Time is running out. Here goes nothing!
Fear has taken over and I am self-sabotaging weight loss, trying to get healthy, calling Social Services to put our name on adoption list. I am scared of out of MIND! We have had to give one child back… Cannot live with having to do it again. What few eggs I do have are getting OLD…. Scared to keep trying as the fear of unknown, birth defects, another miscarriage, another pre-term labor and NICU stay. Fear of it all. How does one negotiate through all of this?? The biggest parts of me just say tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow I will get up, shower, get dressed, go to work, and then come home… Once again not answering any of the above…
June, 2010 I took my last BC pill.
Nov, 2011 I found out I was preg
April 2012 I gave birth 12 weeks early to our son
May 2012 Our son passed away
July 2012 was his due date
Sept 2013 I had surgery to explore infertility options
Jan 2014 I had a miscarriage
Today is May 14, 2015 and I am not pregnant.
That is a lot of TTC, sheets and sheets of papers writing down cycles, dates, BBT, BFN, thinking it is BFP, DPO, checking EDD, wishing for EDD, HPT, LP, researching IVF, IUI, O, MC, CS, International Adoption, Domestic Adoption. Yes, been there done that… doing it….. I am an expert in it.
Despite it all there is that part deep down to the left that says God will not leave me here. He will not let me finish my life as a mother with empty arms..
I have been absent for some time. I have reverted back into my shell existence. The one that is protected and no one else can enter. Get up… Go to work.. Come home. Maybe cook. Read hundreds of books on the old tablet. When I read, that pushes the reality around me into the background. I do not have to think about today or yesterday or even what tomorrow will bring. I can just be part of page 215.
Yesterday, marked the beginning of my fourth year as a Mother with empty arms. My son would have been 3 yesterday. I will say that I now consider myself an expert at this… And those that ply you with the “it gets better with time”….”You will learn to deal with it”….. Blah blah…. I will be completely honest with you…………………………………IT IS A LOAD OF CRAP!
You will never get used to having empty arms, an empty bedroom, an empty backseat as you travel in the car.
You will never get used to the memory of your child leaving this earth.
You will never get used to the quiet in the house in the mornings..
You will never get used to being the one to blow out the candle on his birthday cake each year.
I am ever grateful for what I do have and the memories that I cherish daily. I know that despite all, I am the lucky one as I got to touch and hold my child even for a short time. This, however, does not ease the pain or take away the sadness.
On the weekend, I baked my son’s birthday cake. My version of a Spiderman, with blue cake and red frosting and webbing on the top. I took a pot of white tulips and a birthday balloon to his grave. I took the day off of work and spent it with my family. My husband and my son. We hung balloons in our kitchen and we lite his candle. We took pictures and said wishes and prayers.
Today is day two of my fourth year. Today, I add another notch to my belt.
Sending good thoughts and wishes to you all.