I am not lost. Life has been happening. Thinking about cleaning and packing my bags for my trip to the beach. I have been spending more time with my treadmill in hopes that my butt will be smaller for the plane ride… Hahaha. Oh goodness. I keep seeing this image of the flight attendant coming down the aisle waving an extension, and me feeling like an A$$. Well, typical when you are curvy and the bomb! Someone is always making you feel very small.
Hope this finds you all well and looking forward to nicer weather in March! Rain and thunder storms in Feb. is not my idea of winter weather!
Well here I am typing away when I need to be packing but that can wait for a moment. I am thinking ahead to my weekend away.
Four days, just DH and I. No family, no phones, no one that knows us.
I have hopes that I may find a piece of myself. I know that is a very far-fetched idea given that I have spent the last 3 1/2 years living with grief and loss. It is not as if I have lost my self. I have lost my future self. At times, I feel as if I am 16 years old again facing the vast expanse of my future and adulthood. Where will I go? What will I do? Not that I ever truly knew where I would be. But that little voice in your head always said work, life, marriage, children. I have achieved each of those things. However, God and life chose my picture to be painted differently than most would imagine.
I need to find that way within myself to frame this picture. There are still several paintings which have begun but are yet unfinished. For my own sanity I have to see my current painting differently. I will never give up the hope that I will be able to bring another child into our lives. But. For now I need to paint the picture differently.
I can always paint in whatever I wish. Heck, I am the one holding this brush!
Amen to that. Every week has it ups and downs.
This week a family friend is needing good thoughts and prayers. His wife lost her way and took her own life. Leaving many family, friends and 4 beautiful children.
Each and every one of us have our on path. Our destiny as it were. Today each of those four children have to say goodbye to their Mommy. Many, many years too early.
I have seen much in my years on this earth and I really am quite young yet. To name a few. I watched 3 family members battle kidney failure and were on dialysis. My husbands Grandfather fell and broke his neck at 86 years of age and spent his last 5 months in the hospital. My Great-Grandmother found out she had cancer at 98 years of age. She lasted 2 months. My uncle who lived 4 years with ALS. And our son. Each of these people hold a very special place in my life.
All life has value. No matter how short or long as it were. One cannot measure a person’s value by the number of days, weeks, years or decades they are on this earth. Unfortunately, for some, it is after someone is gone that they realize what that value is.
My cousin, was a severe diabetic and diagnosed at 19 years of age. She lost her sight and went into full renal failure before the age of 30. She passed away at 32 years of age. She taught Sunday school, was a Girl Guide Leader for 15 years and work at the school board office. I know in my heart the reason she never married was because she knew deep down she would never walk this earth long enough to raise any children she may have and she could not risk that. She let go the love of her life so that he may have the chance at a family.
My aunt, her mother. Developed diabetes in her 50s. She went into renal failure at 62 years of age. She had battled colon cancer in her 50s. She was my Mothers eldest sister and really like a second mother. There were 15 years age difference. It was like losing my Grandmother a second time. She looked after my Mom for most the first year of life and her early years. My Grandmother was very sick after she was born. She gave of herself completely.
My Grandfather was a character. At 15 years of age he went to work to pay the bills. His father was ill and could no longer look after the family farm. His two older brothers had died. One most likely of Sids. It was the 1920s. The second was struck by a car riding his bicycle at 12 years of age. That left my Grandfather and 5 sisters. He worked to feed the family. He had 3 heart attacks, and kidney disease. He was in full renal failure at the age of 66. At 73 years of age and having just had part of is leg amputated due to circulation he passed away. Peacefully at 9:40 on Sunday morning. 20 minutes early for church. He had been a Deacon for 55 Years. He was a school janitor, taught Sunday School, and taught Awana. Dozens of children in this area were able to go to Summer Camp as my Grandparents donated anonymously every year to ensure those children that could not would have that chance.
And our son. You know that story. From the first time I could touch him. From my hospital bed, as the wheeled me thru the NICU after I left recovery. Those moments change everything.
I tell you these stories so that you may know the value of each life. They live on. Each of these people had a hand in molding who I am today. I thank them for that and love them all so very much.
TGIF! Remember you have value. You add it to those around you each day.
Monday has come and gone.
Ok so not as to depress many of you. These thoughts were not meant to be of a depressing nature. I woke up on Saturday morning and was getting ready to go to the gym to meet a friend. On my drive there I began to think about life and family. It suddenly occurred to me that I am indeed , most likely, working on the later part my life. Ok, I know, let me explain. I am leaning toward the 40. So if you multiply that by two. You see where I am going with this. Unfortunately there are things in life that define who and what we are. Not all of these things are in our control. Some 21 months ago we had one of those defining events in our life.
I am not quite ready and not sure how to write it all down. But my past, my present and my future all changed with one such event. The birth of our son C.