Today, I sit at my desk. I am not really working. I do not get much work done this time of year. My mind is elsewhere. Sleep is also not something I do much of. I read. I immerse myself into the written word. Another person’s tale, their reflection, their picture. My reality forgotten when the page is turned.
Tuesday, will be the 5th anniversary of the death of our son. This weekend I will be celebrating my 6th Mother’s Day. We are still a family of three. Our arms are still very much empty.
One never knows what life will bring. To be 20 and looking ahead at 30 and 40 and 50. One never knows the love, stress, pain that one will endure. I do not wish you to think there is not happiness in our lives. There is, however, there is very much pain as well. That pain is ever-present and never-ending.
I am awaiting my tulips to bloom, spent my first Sunday at the lake for the summer. I am doing a walk with my friend in a couple of weeks as she has just been diagnosed with MS. I belong to Quilt Guild and just finished up our Quilt show with 320 items on display. My sister and my nephew were just home to visit.
Although, life is busy and never-ending that does not mean that my life is a constant joy. We do what we can, however, we do cry in the car on the way to work, or sit in tears in the living room early on Sunday morning. The house is still, nothing is moving.
This path was chosen for us. I have decided to accept some detours and create some on the way. It is all that I am able to do. I do not have the power to change it or make it different.
Life continues to be a struggle. My family still do not understand our feeling and wishes at times. My mother and sister cannot understand why my husband and I cannot hold our nephew. It is not possible. I am his mother. My arms are a very special and sacred place. They are where the love of our live took his last breath. I have tried to speak of it in a sense for them to understand. That does not mean we do not want to be around. To be involved to be part of it all.
I am being and doing what I can, what I am able.
This weekend I celebrate the life of our son. I will spend time with my husband, just the two of us. I will check my flower beds and wish for spring tulips.
Grief, is a lifetime journey. As with everything in life, our experiences mold our life, change our life. No, I am not debilitated. I am able to function, I get up, I dress, I leave my home. I live a productive life generally. Work, house, yards, gardens, quilting, reading, travel. But each thing I do and each place I visit I do so as a grieving Mother. I see things through a different filter.
Wishing you all a very Happy Mother’s Day and sending much love to those that will be standing grave side with me as we visit the resting place of those must precious to us.
Here I sit at my desk, looking out at the cloudy sky. It is a beautiful day in my little spot of the world. There are beautiful pieces of blue sky intermixed with the fluffy, grey rain clouds. It will be raining later, but for now they are so pretty floating by. I often sit and wonder how to best express myself and to put into words who I am.
I realize that often my posts are not of the positive variety. I do not wish to portray that my life is always on the down side. I just want it to be real. I began posting as an outlet to share my true emotions in anonymity. Yes, I felt and do most often that this is the best. Those of you in situations like mine know that you cannot share all of these feelings with your family and general acquaintances as well. A) they will completely freak out and B) THEY WILL REALLY FLIP. Hahaha.
I mean how do you tell Sally so and so that she is a completely self-absorbed individual that takes full advantage of the life that she has and the two beautiful children she birthed. That by day you would like to reach over from your desk and just slap some sense into her. Hard! For her to be grateful for her joys. This particular Sally “farms” out said children multiples times per week. Not just for the day but overnight etc. Why have children if you do not wish to parent and be a family. The following statement is often heard “me time”. Ok, please do not judge we all need me time to be productive at work and at home in our family life. I do not disagree. But EVERY DAY! Good land!
This is one of the many daily thoughts and situations that one experiences. I have done well I believe. I for the most part keep my feelings and thoughts to myself. Although, with anything there comes a time when you have to make a comment. I have tried in best form, to present my comments in an off-handed way. But sometimes they just need to be said.
I am at an impasse in my life. I am no longer sure who I am. I no longer know what my wants should be for the future, for tomorrow. When it is ingrained into you to be this, to want that. How do you change that when it really not your choice? How do I make it all enough? My life currently is very small. I get up and dress go to work and live to go home. To see my husband. To be in our space. I used to be larger, more involved, more people, more places. I no longer care for that now.
The answer to my question is:
I am me.