Posts tagged “Love

Holidays

Send warm wishes to all near and far.

Christmas.  I have most presents bought and wrapped.  They are not delivered.  I did send some cards in the mail this week.

No, my tree is not up.  No, I cannot even fathom when I might feel like it.  Perhaps this weekend..  Who knows.

I have been absent for a time.  My birthday has come and gone.  This past year has been trying for me.  I am on a road of self discovery.  Who am I?  Who am I supposed to be?  What am I supposed to be?

I am no closer to the answers.  I know that I am a wife.  I am C’s mother.  However, where do I go from here?  What do I fill our lives with from here on?

It has been 41/2 years since C passed away.  No, this holiday is no better.  No different.  The gut wrenching pain.  The loneliness.  The want.

No cute curly haired 4 year old to buy Santa gifts for.  No one to bake cookies with.  No one to read Christmas stories to.

Yes, we do have and find joy in our lives when and where we can.  Santa is bring us snowshoes.  I cannot wait to take my husband out for the day.  Build a fire, roast hotdogs and marshmallows.  I have bought a few special things for him from Santa.  I always try and make Christmas the best I can for him.  That is the least that I can do for the love of my life.

On New Year’s we stay we stay in and I bake all day.  All of his favorite snacks. We then watch movies.

Sending out much love and wishes to all you and yours for a warm, joyous and wonderful Holiday this year and best wishes for all in the coming year.

Luv,

C’s Mommy

 


I have not titled this today as I have no idea what to call it.  The following could apply:

Devastation

Love

Angel

Gift

Daughter

Friend

Fighter

Hell

Each of these words apply.  Today I sit in grief.  I grieve for my friend, for her child, for their family.  On Saturday, the most joyous, kind, gifted, strong, loving young lady any mother could call their own passed from this earth.

She truly was a light in this world.  She had been fighting for that life from the day she was born.

Today, I send much love to my friend.  May she be surrounded by the love and the arms of each of us Mothers of Angels around the world.  May she feel that love as she lays her own precious Angel to rest.

 

 


That word I will not say.

Last fall I wrote a post about my friend titled No Words.

Today I am in the same place.  I have no words.  Or rather I have many.  Many words that I wish to shout, to yell to spit.  I am angry.

My friend’s daughter is not well.  The shit is back.  They did surgery last fall to remove the tumor and placed rods in her spine.  She had treatments.  She was doing well.  There are more tumors. She is an amazing girl and fighting.  She has fought since the day she was born. I have never met anyone who is stronger than this beautiful young woman.

I am praying.  I am fighting the fight in my mind for them.  I am scared for my friend.  I do not want her to join my club.  How much does a mother have to endure in life?

Life is testing what Faith I have left.  I have hope that all will be well and I send them much LOVE.

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4th Anniversary

Four years ago, I was at home preparing to go to my son’s funeral.  I have been up most of the night.  I just returned from getting my hair done.  I have thick, straight, baby fine hair.  It does what it does and I have the best hairdresser, that made the day far less stressful.

The day mostly is a blur.  Arriving at the funeral home.  The drive and surrounding drives were packed with cars.  My pastor was warned.  There could be 10 or there could be 100.  As it was, I believe there were 170+ people there that day.  Our pastor had married us 8 years previous and used many of the same scriptures from our wedding day.  It had great meaning for my husband and I.

We then made the 10 minute drive to his grave.  We had internment followed by my husband reading his last bedtime story.  Then it was over.  There we stood hand in hand.  Looking into the grave of our only child.

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This photo is etched into our son’s headstone. 

Today feels much the same.  The weather is a bit darker.  However, there is a breeze.  The emptiness, dread and sense of nothingness has not changed in 4 years.  No matter, the time, the space, the distance.  A grieving parent cannot outrun, out travel these thoughts, these feelings.

Today, I thank God I had 19 days with our beautiful son.  Today, I am grateful to be able to call myself his mother.  Today, I feel like the single biggest failure.

You remember those moments.  Those thoughts. Those dreams.  You remember each and every wish and demand.  I begged God to take me instead of him.  I begged him to protect his life.  I begged him for my husband’s sake to protect his only child.  When you have sat vigil at your child’s side watching and protecting them.  Begging for their life only to have to beg God to take them from this world so that they will suffer no more.  Time does not matter.  Whether, they lived a day, a week, 19 days or 20 years.  It is your child.  Your life.

On the weekend, my husband and I went to town to get my summer flowers.  I have many perennial beds and I do up a few pots for around the drive.  In the 2 hours we were in town, we came across 3 different families that were in our prenatal class with us.  Each of them now have 2 children.  The reminders, the constants are always every present in our lives.  It was difficult.  I told my husband that I was ready, I needed to go home now..

These past 6 weeks much has taken place.  Our cousin that was expecting.  She had started contracting at 20 weeks 5 days and was hospitalized.  She got ill the first week of April and delivered at 28 weeks 5 days.  He weighed 3 lb s 3.08 oz and 15″ long.  He has done well and is over 5 lbs.  These weeks watching and knowing from afar have not been easy.  They are most fortunate.  No infections, no assisted breathing from day 1.   One hopes so much they truly do understand just how fortunate they are.

I will be having a nephew come September.  My sister is doing well.  I knew in my heart it was a boy when she told me 10 weeks ago.  It seems I am correct.  All tests are great.  She is nearing 39 and opted for amnio.  Now, I mentally just look toward the markers, week 28, week 32.

Tonight, I will drive up the road to his grave.  I will say goodnight and blow him a kiss.  I will tell him that I love him so very much.


No Words

My friend needs our hep today.  The weight of the world is upon her.

She has the most beautiful daughter.  She has the personality of sunshine and a smile so bright it would light the sky.  She was born with a cognitive heart disorder.  At one week of age her mother began noticing signs that something was not right.  After repeated trips to the ER over a period of 3 days she was sent to the nearest hospital with an NICU.  They informed the family she was experiencing heart failure and was going to be airlifted to the nearest Children’s hospital within the hour.  She spent the next 6 weeks (10 days of which were in the PICU) at the hospital before returning home.  3 1/2  years later they had to move to the city to await a heart transplant.

Her own heart had completely failed.  That morning they have performed the surgery to switch her over to the artificial heart.  That night there was a car accident and the donor matched.  It was a miracle.

Overall the last 8 have been well.  A couple of blips in the road but nothing out of the ordinary for a transplant patient.

Yesterday, I received the most devastating news.  She has cancer.

I have admired my friend.  She is the strongest woman I know.  A mother who has experienced more than we should have to.  Yet, she again, sits vigilant at her daughter’s bed holding her hand.  I have been that mother watching my child.  Praying for my child.  Fearing the unknown.  Fearing the future.  Begging for that life that means more than my own.

I ask today that you please send a prayer for their family.  Husband, wife and daughter.


My Tongue is Sore

I have not really touched much upon the family dynamics in our world.  I will tell you that although it is my first marriage, I have been directly involved in 6 marriages..  Figure that one out.  I have had more than one “step-mother” and I do have a “step-father”.  My in-laws are married to one another.

As a child, DH grew up in a home with an alcoholic.  As a result of this dynamic he spent a great deal of time with his grand-parents who mean so very much to his life.  A few years ago, his grandfather passed away.  In most ways that count, he was the father he never had at home.  His grandmother holds that very same place in his heart.  I am the second woman in his life.  I knew that from the beginning and accepted it gladly as she helped mold the love of my life.  It is she that I hold dear, for those reasons.

She will soon be in her 93rd year.  She is a tough bird, who still lives in her own home with the assistance of the family and a lovely woman who comes in 3 mornings a week.  Yes, that is it.  She is amazing.  On Saturday, she fell.  The world came to a stop when my husband called to tell me.  He usually goes to her home go “do a few chores” on Saturday.

Gram has 8 children.  Those from large families know that they are a blessing.  Lots of cousins, Aunts and Uncles.  A family filled with love.  That being said.  They are also a curse.  A is arguing with B.  C is mad because E had a grandchild first.  Blah blah..   Hahaha..  These 8 children, should be the ones responsible to look out for and to make decisions regarding her present and future care.  However, they are not.  Many of us Grandchildren take on most of this responsiblity.  I want to clarify.  We love her dearly and would do whatever we can to assist.  But that is what it should be, assistance.

Last night, DH and I went to check on her and to say goodnight.  What we walked into was just beyond.  My MIL and one sister in the kitchen arguing and name calling sister X and brother Y.  All the while Gram can hear all from the living room.  I spoke up and said “MIL, could you come to the bedroom please.”  No response.  I repeated.  Nothing..  The third time ” GET INTO THE BEDROOM and THIS IS ENOUGH WHERE YOUR MOTHER HAS TO HEAR ALL OF THIS!”

Once she came into the room, the three of us had a conversation about what needs done.  She kept trying to dump more on us.  I had to speak up.  My DH is just to far gone into this to defend himself.  (He had come home crying and upset because Aunt A had taken at him about everything needing done).  I had to be the one to speak on his behalf.

There are 8 of you.  We are grandchildren.  We will come and do whatever we can to help and want to but we cannot take all of this on.  You are her children…….  I will not tolerate anyone taking at DH like again.  If he comes home in that state again we will all be having a chat.  It is not necessary. We love her, and want to help but we can only do so much.

I will say I am very pleased with myself today.  I was calm, I did not raise my voice and I did not completely unload. That people is very good indeed.

Situations like these are tough.  There is never a winner.  Which is ok with us.  I just want my DH to be comfortable and not pushed beyond the brink.  C passed away 3+ years ago but we do still suffer from depression and many other lingering effects of this traumatic event.  My DH, has always been a very soft-hearted person and holds much love in there.  He is the quiet one of the two brothers and because of this bore the brunt of the backlash at home.

Today, I hope that Gram continues to heal, that the “8” get their crap together and have her best interest at heart.  I hope that I can keep a lock down on my tongue.  It is very sore.


My Saturday

Here I sit in my old t and lounge pants.  Two hours ago I, was to go outside and begin staining the wood in our yard for summer.  It does not appear that will happen today.  I did however finish a book, dump the dehumidifier and feed the cat.  Do those things count?  Oh yes, and began to plan a supper for my husband.  Some of his favorite things.  Does this count as productive for the day?  Does it really matter?

I have purchased a card for my husband but no gift as of yet.  What do you buy the most important person in your life?  How do you convey the feelings that you have inside?  Or do you just give the card and cook supper as planned?  Will they say enough?  How does one feel at lost for words for the one person that has seen it all with you?  And I do not mean it all.

The 1 hour car ride at 2ish am in the morning while in the early stages of labour to the nearest hospital with an NICU.  The OB performing an emergency bedside ultrasound to check on the baby to discover he was breech and I was 5+ cms.  The one that stood beside your bed not saying a word as 12 people came in and out in the next 30 minutes.  An OB, several nurses, NICU nurses, a neonatologist, an anesthesiologist, a social worker etc.  The one that was in complete fear and the only words he could get out was “What is happening what does this mean”.  To which you have to calmly explain with no fear or hint of terror in your voice without shedding a tear.  “It means we are having a baby today.“  The one that held your hand while they cut you open.  The one that leaned in and whispered “We have a son” during that operation.  The one that helped the nurse roll you over in recovery to help change pads as you were hemorrhaging. The one that held the basin while you vomited several hours later from the morphine.  The one that held both of us in his arms as our son took his last breath.  The one that maintains that it was most important that I had a Mother`s Day with our only child and that he is ok.  That although he was already gone he had his Father`s Day too. The one that drove me, 16 months later, to have surgery at the same hospital and had to sit in terror while they wheeled his wife to OR.  Hating every minute of it as it is where we lost our son.  But saying nothing for my sake.   The one who often lays awake most nights but will not tell me as he thinks I have too much to worry about already.

I checked around there are no appropriate gifts.

Father's Day