I have been absent for some time. I have reverted back into my shell existence. The one that is protected and no one else can enter. Get up… Go to work.. Come home. Maybe cook. Read hundreds of books on the old tablet. When I read, that pushes the reality around me into the background. I do not have to think about today or yesterday or even what tomorrow will bring. I can just be part of page 215.
Yesterday, marked the beginning of my fourth year as a Mother with empty arms. My son would have been 3 yesterday. I will say that I now consider myself an expert at this… And those that ply you with the “it gets better with time”….”You will learn to deal with it”….. Blah blah…. I will be completely honest with you…………………………………IT IS A LOAD OF CRAP!
You will never get used to having empty arms, an empty bedroom, an empty backseat as you travel in the car.
You will never get used to the memory of your child leaving this earth.
You will never get used to the quiet in the house in the mornings..
You will never get used to being the one to blow out the candle on his birthday cake each year.
I am ever grateful for what I do have and the memories that I cherish daily. I know that despite all, I am the lucky one as I got to touch and hold my child even for a short time. This, however, does not ease the pain or take away the sadness.
On the weekend, I baked my son’s birthday cake. My version of a Spiderman, with blue cake and red frosting and webbing on the top. I took a pot of white tulips and a birthday balloon to his grave. I took the day off of work and spent it with my family. My husband and my son. We hung balloons in our kitchen and we lite his candle. We took pictures and said wishes and prayers.
Today is day two of my fourth year. Today, I add another notch to my belt.
Sending good thoughts and wishes to you all.
I guess the best way to describe the situation is to dial back the clock to yesterday.
At 8 am yesterday morning the Police in our area received a phone call saying that someone was going to be bringing a gun to school. immediately 3 cars of police were dispatched to the school. Eventually, K9 officers arrived as well. This information was not made public.. Just after 9 am they notified our company HR to let all staff know “The school is on lockdown. There has been a unsubstantiated threat. Remain calm and more news will be made available as it arises.”
Ok yea right. It is a K-12 school. I mean your children are there.. You get NO information and you are to remain calm! WHATEVER! As the day progressed we still do not know anything. Reports on the local radio etc basically said the same thing as above. “School is on lockdown. No one is allowed in or out. They are doing a sweep of the school. There is a unsubstantiated threat.”
At 2:00 pm approximately they began letting children go if they had someone there to pick them up. We received more reports that they were doing another sweep of the school after all the children left. At 5:30 pm yesterday via the radio station they reported “It has been determined to be a hoax.” It was only then did they release the information about receiving the phone call at 8 am etc.
This morning I went to our staff kitchen to fill my water bottle. When I arrived, there were 8 women “getting coffee”, discussing yesterday. One of the ladies (I shall be polite) stated. “They are nothing but F’n idiots. There was nothing to worry about,” This particular lady has two sons. Both of which are graduated and well she has been involved with questionable situations in the past. I shall leave it at that because it is not polite to air others laundry and hers is VERY STAINED AND DIRTY. Her comment really made me angry…………………..What kind of Mother judges another Mother for being scared, fearful and upset to name a few because they do not know about the welfare of their child and or children!!!!!!!!!!!! I of course could not keep my tongue quiet. “As a Mother who as buried a child, they are not F’n idiots.” She then tried to defend herself. “Well they shouldn’t have been on FB scaring other Mothers.” Whatever!! I responded “Well, they didn’t have to read FB did they!”
When I returned to my desk I received an IM from one of the ladies in the room. “She is a knob!! LOL” Yes my dear, yes she is a knob!!!! I responded “Not all of us have the same Mothering instinct and ability to love. Nor do all have the instinct to protect at all cost.”
It is unfortunate that judgements like this exist. That loving, caring Mother’s need to justify their emotions. I for one understand. No, I cannot relate to that particular situation. But. I know exactly what it is like to feel terrified, fearful and helpless to protect your child from harm. I send out good thoughts for those Mother’s today and all the Mother’s and Father’s who have had to live in these fearful situations and ones far far worse. We are the lucky ones. This situation ended safely. That we can be thankful for.
We are away for the weekend. Holidays do not have the same feeling as they once did. We often just feel the need to get out-of-town and have us time. Time to go for a walk, eat dinner, go to the mall. Just to be anonymous… or as I like to say invisible. Perhaps it sounds odd.
My parents are also away with us. They are across town at a different hotel. After we had supper this evening we were walking through the mall. I saw someone who I haven`t seen in years. He is married to a woman I grew up with. Went to school with. I did not want to see her. So, I said to my parents keep moving, hurry up………….
It is hard to explain. Most of you will know this feeling this need. I just am not able to see and speak to people. I suffer from anxiety at times. I do not like that feeling. The one where you run into someone from your past….and they are surveying you. Checking you over. You can read it in their eyes. The calculated look……
I said to Mother, she would not talk to me anyway…. My Mother responds Well she has no problem speaking to me. You’re the one that does not talk to people. I have been with many people and you come along and just to not speak. I asked her what she was talking about…..No, I am not like I once was. I always say hello. But. I am not able to handle a lot of interaction. I cannot handle conversations about this ones new Grandbaby this and so and so that is pregnant. I shut down in these conversations. It is how I protect myself.
In the middle of the mall this evening my Mother called me a snob. Yes, my own Mother has not a sweet clue what is like to just want to crawl in a hole away from the prying eyes of society. My Mother has not got a sweet clue what it felt like being at the grocery store with my husband and having a childhood friend of ours RUN. I mean run down the aisle, to the lobby with her shopping car and out the door to her car to get away from us so that she did not have to face us. To not have to talk to us. I am fairly sure that I do not imagine and dream the looks, the whispers behind our back about us…
I have never been one that was part of the popular crowd. Truth be known it was not like that in my teen years. I do not remember so much of the defined groups like it is now. I am friendly with everyone. I speak to everyone. I am no longer as outgoing as I once was. I am not able to be. I used to plan a Family Fun Day for my company every year with minimum 200 people. I used to organize luncheons at work all of the time. I cannot do these things anymore. It is too much for me.
My own Mother does not understand. I do not choose to be this way. I did not choose to be who I am. If it had been my choice I would be in throes of planning a second birthday party for my son. Not standing in the middle of a mall 9 days before his birthday hurt beyond words because my Mother thinks I am a snob. Not the depressed, grief-stricken, lonely, terrified, anxious Mother who is trying to prepare herself the second anniversary of the day her Grandson passed away.
Yes, admittedly I am a sap. It is what it is. Just, I ask of you do not tell many as I keep that under close wrap.
I just finished watching P.S. I Love You. Yes, it most likely is the, who knows how many, time. As with all of my favorites, I cry, I giggle, I cry, I cry…. I cry some more..
I have seen this movie +++++ times and perhaps due to my position or circumstance in life I never really took notice of these lines. These were from the scene in the park where Patricia gives Holly, Gerry’s last letter. They have a brief conversation and the below lines are part of it.
Patricia: You know the worst thing for a parent… second after losing a child? Watching your child head for the same life you had. You can’t stop it. It’s a terrible, helpless feeling. Makes you angry all the time. And I’ve been angry. For a very long time. I’m exhausted.
Holly Kennedy: Do you think we’ll ever see dad again?
Patricia: No sweetheart, never. So you have to stop waiting.
Here, hidden with the depths of a love story and the life after the loss of a spouse you have those all important words. Well, I understand that those words are not as important to all as they are to me. But to me they mean so very much. As it is the life that I live. And there deep in a random movie are the words that many of us experience every day.
Watching it, this evening, was quite fitting. I have been wondering, dreaming, stressing, wishing on what my future will be.. What is to be my postscript? One could say that my life has been a series of P.S.’ Not all P.S.’ are necessarily what you would hope that they would be. But in the end they are what you choose them to be and that is the point really isn’t it? If…….you do not like what your P.S. is saying then all you have to do is add a P.S.S.!
Wishing you all well as you use your P.S.S. Stay tuned for what mine will be!
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