Four years ago today was “C”‘s official due date.
Four years of longing. Four years of wishing and dreaming.
56 cycles with 55 ending in nothing and one in a miscarriage.
I look toward the future. I still hope and dream. I am not ready yet to say that I am done and to close up shop. Not that the shop is working anyway but as long as you keep it open there is still a chance right??
Well it seems that my turkey dinner will be had 850 miles from home.
My parents are making the trip to see my sister and baby that weekend.
The apprehension has already started. Days away from home. Might be alone as it depends on if Hubby can get time off work. Oh yes, and the baby in the room, my nephew.
Will my sister understand that I do not touch or hold babies? I am still not able to. Will they feel slighted? Oh, land. Will they understand that me coming and being there is all that I can do? All that I can handle. If she goes to term he will almost the same ## of days old as “C” was.
Each year I have a goal. To be done shopping and wrapping by December 1st. My goal is to not feel rushed, stressed, crazy, nuts, annoyed at the stores.. The list goes on.
In the past years this has been increasingly more important. I cannot handle the people. I want to be involved but parts of me cannot. I cannot handle the elbow to elbow at the stores. The pushing, the tones of annoyance. I cannot handle listening to Mother A and Father B yelling at their respective children because they are in fact behaving like children.
I am sitting pretty good. The shopping is 97.5% complete. The wrapping is 60% complete. I started to decorate yesterday. No, the tree is not up. However, my husband has a Holiday Birthday so I leave the tree up until after New Year’s so that gives me a bit of time at the first of the month.
The past couple of weeks have been crazy. I have spent a total of one evening home. Go here go there. Midnight Madness, Black Friday, Tree Lighting in town, run errands, birthday parties, making crafts for this one and that one.
There is a Historic Site in my area that decks out for Christmas each year. All decorated to the nine’s and the ticket sales help with the upkeep and restoration. I have been wanting to attend for years but have never been able to fit it in. This year was a charm! It was beautiful. All the lights shimmering. All that was missing was a dusting of snow.
Christmas has always been one of my favorite holidays. After “C” passed away the meaning left us. I no longer find much joy in the season. My whole reason for the hustle and bustle is gone. Well half of my reason. Although, no one under 10 lives at our home Santa always makes a stop. I have found over the years that I just want to be home. To close the door. To spend the time at home. I do not want to run here and there. I do not want to be on someone’s schedule. To change my life to fit their time. I do not wish to sound selfish. However, it seems that we are always the ones to change. To adjust, to fit in. No one ever wants to know if it works for us.
I cannot handle seeing all of the children. I find Christmas Eve service the hardest. All the little ones in their Christmas best. They are so very adorable! Most likely, we will not go again this year. We will go and spend time at “C”‘s grave.
We have received news in the past week that there will be another new addition to the family June 2016. Yes, in a family the size of ours it grows exponentially each year. We do our very best. We are so happy for them. That they will have the joy of a child in their life, however it once again reminds us of our loss.
Today I sit and I cry. My husband and I went to the woods yesterday. We cut down a tree. Tonight, I will decorate it for my son’s grave. It will have white twinkling lights and a huge silver star. White snowflakes and ribbons of red and white. Tonight, I will send all my love and wishes to my very own little Angel. Love, Mommy.
Sometimes life has an odd way of talking to you from the past and present.
30+ years ago my family built a new home and moved in. There is a small river running through my little town. We lived on one side of the “creek”. Across the way, are many friends we have grown up with and been close to our whole lives. Traveled on the school bus, friends of my parents etc.
Fast forward 15 years. I met DH, we dated, fell and love, got married. We had never known each other as children and met when I was in my mid 20’s.
My neighbors and friends across the way = my husband’s family. Cousins and Aunt.
Yesterday, as I was preparing to leave work we got word that a family member had passed. My husband’s Great-Aunt. My old neighbor. A wonderful woman in her mid-nineties. Loving and kind. It is the first sibling his grandmother has lost. She is nearly 92 years old.
This morning as I sat down at my desk. My phone rang. It was my mother. A friend’s son passed away in a car accident last night. Two more are injured. This friend was my neighbor, my childhood friend. He is their only child. A loving and kind young man. He is the great-grandson to the wonderful woman who passed yesterday.
All of my neighbors, my friends = my family. We will meet this week at the funeral home. Twice.
Sometimes the circles of our lives are vast and large. Sometimes they are small and very near.
Today, I sit with a heavy heart. Much emotion and memories. I think of my DH and I. Our empty room at home. I think of my poor family and their now empty room. I send thoughts and prayers. They are now part of my “Club”. The “Club” that cost so very much to join.
I know that there is nothing I can say at this time. There are no words that will make this different. The only wisdom I can impart, it ok to feel. The anger, rage, deflation, the tears. It is all normal. It is our normal. No one knows this path but the members of our “Club”. Never apologize for feeling, for wanting, for loving. Never apologize for grieving. One does not grieve unless one has loved. We know much love.
I am all over the place today.
I started my day listening to blur. Now I have headed off into the world of Wax, Jamiroquai and now Everclear.
I warned you I was all over the place. Just trying to get the day in so that I can head home for a long weekend. Time to garden, read, do nothing. Spend time with DH.
Not really sure how to describe my feelings on this day. I am having one of those days where you just float through. Knowing what tomorrow brings. The joys and the sadness. C left us 3 years ago tomorrow.
The following words are from the story book “On The Night You were Born” by Nancy Tillman. They are etched into the back of C’s headstone. Kind of a little secret from us to him. You cannot view it from the road. Few know it is there.
“On the night you were born,
the moon shone with such wonder
that the stars peeked in
to see you
and the night wind whispered,
‘Life will never be the same.’
Because there had never been
anyone like you…
ever in the world.”
HIs copy of this book, still sits on my nightstand. I read it now and then and beneath my pillow as I sleep is one of his blankets from the NICU.
My wish today is that all know just how blessed their life is to have the sounds of a little one laughing in their home and their lives.
I have been absent for some time. I have reverted back into my shell existence. The one that is protected and no one else can enter. Get up… Go to work.. Come home. Maybe cook. Read hundreds of books on the old tablet. When I read, that pushes the reality around me into the background. I do not have to think about today or yesterday or even what tomorrow will bring. I can just be part of page 215.
Yesterday, marked the beginning of my fourth year as a Mother with empty arms. My son would have been 3 yesterday. I will say that I now consider myself an expert at this… And those that ply you with the “it gets better with time”….”You will learn to deal with it”….. Blah blah…. I will be completely honest with you…………………………………IT IS A LOAD OF CRAP!
You will never get used to having empty arms, an empty bedroom, an empty backseat as you travel in the car.
You will never get used to the memory of your child leaving this earth.
You will never get used to the quiet in the house in the mornings..
You will never get used to being the one to blow out the candle on his birthday cake each year.
I am ever grateful for what I do have and the memories that I cherish daily. I know that despite all, I am the lucky one as I got to touch and hold my child even for a short time. This, however, does not ease the pain or take away the sadness.
On the weekend, I baked my son’s birthday cake. My version of a Spiderman, with blue cake and red frosting and webbing on the top. I took a pot of white tulips and a birthday balloon to his grave. I took the day off of work and spent it with my family. My husband and my son. We hung balloons in our kitchen and we lite his candle. We took pictures and said wishes and prayers.
Today is day two of my fourth year. Today, I add another notch to my belt.
Sending good thoughts and wishes to you all.
Today is April 23rd. Four days from today would be my son’s 2nd birthday.
The anxiety is greater, the pain is ever-present.
Crying happens often.
The constant thoughts, wishes, memories flashing by as I sit at my desk.
Hearing my husband whisper in my ear “We have a son.” His first cry. His eyes as he searched for me, looking at me, when they wheeled him in his isolette to the NICU. Less than 2 minutes after his birth. My husband showing me his picture while I was in recovery. How his little hand felt when he wrapped his figures around mine for the first time. He was 3 1/2 hours old. Watching him open his eyes and stare as his father each time he heard his voice. The way his head felt next to my cheek, the first time I held and rocked him. The way Husband’s face shone the first time he held him. Rocking him to sleep for the last time.