Ok. I began my blogging in journey in January. For sometime I had been searching for, needing more out of my connections with other families in our situation. I was not getting those connections from the sites that I belonged to. Just in the short time I have been blogging I have found more help, support, information, friendship etc than one could have imagined. Thank you all so much.
But in saying that I still feel timid and at times feel that my inner most thoughts could potentially scare someone! Hahaha.. Yes, I know the ordinary person reading this who has not experienced the loss of a child would not be able to in most ways relate.
Today I am going to bare all. I will give a run down of my weekend.
April brings with it many good and wonderful things in our home along with a number of sorrowful things.
My grandfather was born April 7th
My husband’s Grandparents were married April 15th
My husband’s uncle (one that he holds most dear) was hurt in an accident 4 years ago last week and came home from the hospital on the 10th of April that year.
My husband’s Grandfather passed away on April 20
Our Son’s birthday is April 27th
Having said all that you kind of know what we are facing this month. Last Thursday evening, my husband’s aunt (sister to my MIL) was admitted to the hospital and is currently in ICU. In the morning, yesterday we were told that she is critical and at this moment are awaiting results of tests that were performed this afternoon. Friday evening I worked until 7 pm, I then went to the hospital to sit with our cousins. I got home at 9:30 that evening to get my husband his supper, and say goodnight as he was working this weekend and had to be up at 3:40 Saturday morning. I spent the rest of the evening working on making wedding invitations for my sister.
Saturday morning, I had an appointment in town for 9 am. I came home to wait for phone calls in regards to our Aunt. I did some laundry, got my husband his lunch. I was on the computer searching for a number of items when my Mother called and had a meltdown on the phone, giving me more stress about this wedding. I am not the bride. I am the sister. Just trying to help and I might add… I am the sister who has enough stress without having more dumped at my door. Words were exchanged in regards to that with my mother….. We received word at 1 pm Aunt was being taken into OR for a procedure. I headed to the hospital to sit with family until 9 pm that evening. During this time one of the cousins (mother to the boy born right after C) is talking about the birthday party and what she will do and it is an all day thing etc etc.. I just smile. I cannot answer. How do you convey that is nice and not look like an ass or FREAK out at this point as you cannot handle it? Later on I fell asleep on couch and woke up at 3:20 AM just before husband was going to get ready for work.
Sunday AM. Parents came to our place to eat lunch. Got phone call from Cousin at 1:15 pm things were critical and waiting for word to have her moved to another hospital 3 hours away. I went to hospital at 2:30 to sit with family. Was at hospital until 7. In the end they did not send her, she was scheduled for a test this AM at another hospital 1 hour away. It was also our Cousin’s anniversary. So I rushed home, picked up supper on the way. We got ready and went to visit cousins for cake. This cousin is the Grandmother to the baby that was born 8 days after our son. So given that over the course of the weekend there have been conversations of 2nd birthday parties, what to do and what the Easter Bunny is bringing. ETC. At times I am sure I look indifferent but that is what I must do to maintain not breaking down… Last evening she sits beside me on the couch with her tablet.. It has hundreds of pictures and videos of him on it.. She proceeds to begin to show me all of this. I cannot handle it. I am getting stressed. I smile, say that is nice, nod and keep thinking in my head I NEED OUT OF HERE NOW! I turn to my husband. “We should be going as I need to finish those invitations..” I wait a couple more minutes. Now I am desperate.. “We really should go, now. I need to get those done tonight.” I am thinking everything anything to get me out of here. Whew… He takes the bait. We are putting on our coats and heading home. THANK GOODNESS!
When I got home I spent two more hours finishing wedding invitations and finally it is 12:10 Monday morning and time for bed.
Also, while at the hospital I ran into a friend from work whose husband is dying of cancer. It is nearing the end. It has been a long road. We talked several times in the hall this weekend. Saturday she was telling me about a friend of her’s who is 41 and going this week for IVF. We chatted about that some and I told her to tell her good luck from one infertile to another. It will be a hard scary road but nothing she cannot handle as she is one of us and already been through LOTS!
Who knows if I was able to maintain the air of caring and sharing. Not that it is intentional but each and every cute video I see of this child rips my heart out. I should have a few of those of my own to show and brag about.. I should be doing any and all of this. I want and need so very much for their family to enjoy EACH AND EVERY second of him because they really do not know just how very lucky they are to have any of these times. She was saying how tired she was yesterday as he got up at 6:30 in the morning. Awesome! I would give my life to be able to get up at 3:30 and play blocks with my son, to watch TV or cuddle with him until he falls back to sleep.
Our life is not very exciting. At times mostly random. I will be honest MANY times this weekend I wanted to scream WAKE UP and at times BE QUIET. I know not very nice of me. But as I said earlier in this post. I will be completely honest. That is exactly how I felt! Last night while looking at those pictures I so very much-needed and wanted to say……………….”Do you have any idea whatsoever how very hard it is for me to just sit here and look at 1 or 2 pictures let alone a complete album. My son is buried 100 feet from this house. I am not taking him home with me tonight. I am not planning what cake I will order for his 2nd birthday. He isn’t here eating cake with your grandchild. I most likely will not be to the party. I cannot sit there and smile and eat cake and pretend to be happy. I am not. I am sad, I am pissed off, I am angry, I am in pain.”
Hahahahaha probably would be better to keep that to myself right!
Ok… So the staycation happened. It was great………But…… My husband’s wife had a MELTDOWN.
Saturday morning I had an appointment for a pedicure.. That is my one vice. I might add they are a lovely shade of St. Patty’s green with sparkles! I am off the wagon per say (stress has pushed me toward my favorites of chocolate and Lay’s potato chips!) and I decided that I was going to get us a treat for breakfast. Yes, I know nasty stuff. I confess, but I wanted a McGriddle. Yes! I dislike, tomatoes, mayo, mustard, I do not eat beef in restaurants as I want it well cooked and fresh, I do not like salad dressings, or most any condiment. And Ketchup is for onion rings and fries ONLY. Hahahaa.
I rolled up to the drive thru window. I ordered Husband a # 3 and myself a #8. Which are a Sausage McMuffin and a Bacon McGriddle. I paid and drove the 5 kms home. Came in the house all excited as I got us a Saturday morning treat. Well…… Husband started unpacking the bag of goodies. A Sausage McMuffin and a Bagel BLT………………WTH………………..!!!!!!!!!!!! I know you all out there can agree it is the smallest, most idiotic thing that can push you over the edge. Yes, folks Saturday it was the damn BLT. I lost it. Crying, anger, the works.
Who in the world cries over a Bacon McGriddle. You cannot see but I have my hand raised. Yes, it is me. All of last week and the past few weeks came to a head. I was a pathetic mess. My husband ended up getting me to lay down. I cried myself to exhaustion and ended up sleeping most of the afternoon. Then woke up and read a book on my Kobo.
Yesterday, we did sleep in. (Lost that hour of sleep) I lazed around reading. Took at trip to the fabric store to prepare for a class I am taking this weekend. (PS my fabric is awesome) We are doing a paperpieced Mariners Compass inspired wall hanging. I picked up Sorbet Garden by Henry Glass. I believe the designer is Jillily Studio. I might add these pretty fabrics helped calm the mood and the rest of the staycation a success. Stay tuned for photos of my work this weekend. Fingers crossed it turns out as I envision in my head! Here is a picture of the fabric line as seen on the Jillily Studio Site.
Ok fair warning…. I am being selfish and need to vent…………………
Please let me tell you up front. I love my Grandmother very much. I have always been close with all of my Grandparents. My Grandmother has always had the tendency to be over critical well perhaps that is not the correct term but anyway and more over protective where others of us are concerned. I fall into the first category. This is of nothing I have done. My father left us when I was 4. I cannot help that fact and truth be known some 3 plus decades later she needs to take that up with her son. When my Grandfather was living he kept those tendencies in check. He would not allow such behaviour where we Grandchildren were involved. He has been gone for some time. Please, also do not mistake it as I should excuse her for her age of 80+ years. I have worked with elderly for +++ years in a nursing capacity and yes as we age we do become looser in the tongue. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.. But………This is not age related. My Grandmother was this way at 50.
I shall turn back the clock to Good Friday, 2013. I went to visit my Grandmother. As I have said before she means well but at the end of the day there are different ways to approach a subject……… My son was born on April 27th and passed almost 3 weeks later. After Mother’s Day. So Easter, Mother’s Day, his birthday and the date of his death are all in close proximity. It is a very difficult time of year for me. When we were expecting we “announced” the news at my Grandmother’s dinner table on Christmas Eve. Family dinners are hard for us. I love children. I want more children. It is just so very hard to sit at dinner and see high chairs all around of my cousin’s children and have that empty space next to us. Our void. She asked me about coming to dinner on Easter Sunday. My husband was going to be working and well I just wanted to be at home. That is all I could handle at that point. I said no “Husband” is working and well I will not be out. The rest of the conversation went something like this.
“There is something wrong with you. You need to see a Doctor. You do not come out, you do not come to dinner.`
“Grammy, what do you think is wrong with me“
Are you all sitting down……………I warned you. I will summarize the conversation…..
My Grandmother said the following words to me “Other Mother`s get over it!“
My response.. “Other mothers get over what. My only child died. I do not get to get up on Sunday morning and play Easter Bunny and hide eggs. There is no going for pictures at the mall. Next week I am not celebrating his first birthday and in several weeks I will be going to light a candle on his grave in memory of his death. You name me one Mother who has gotten over the loss of their child. I do not care if they were 19 days old as mine was, 5 years or 20. Name me one mother you know that has gotten over losing a child. “ At this point I am still trying to maintain composure. But the above comment started me crying. Thank goodness my Aunt came when she did. I had to leave. I have never felt more judged or hurt in my life.
I do no expect people to understand my feelings or my life. At least out of respect for the memory of my son and that fact that I AM his mother respect my feelings and my grief. If I need to stay home because Our Home is the only place in our life that is safe. It is our protection. We can shut the door and only let in what we need and or want to. It is where we can speak freely of our wants, our feelings, our desires without judgement from the outside world. It is where his blue blanket from the NICU still is folded neatly under my pillow every night as I sleep and a Willow Tree Angel sits on my bedside table kneeling in prayer. It is where our family’s photo from our first, last and only Mother’s Day hangs on our wall.
Fast forward to March 6, 2014. My Grandmother is not feeling well and yes I am nervous and trying to figure out what may or may not be going on. She has had a couple of appointments. She sees another Doctor next week for more tests. I called this evening on my way home from work to check in and see what was up. So her BP was very elevated when at the hospital the other day. She is having problems with her leg and one foot. She has a bad back due to Osteoporosis and deteriorating discs. Her leg and foot have given out twice recently resulting in her falling. Not sure if this is the cause. But next week many tests begin and a referral to a specialist is pending. My father called 3 weeks ago to tell me this and to keep me apprised of what is going on.
I get home and hang up from speaking with her. As my husband and I are preparing to leave the house to run a couple of errands 10 minutes or so later the phone rings. It is my Grandmother. “Oh by the way. That is all a secret. Because your cousins do not need to know this and worry…….“ I responded. “Well they are all adults now and it is about time that the sheltering stops. “ Yea, no one bothered to worry about my level of stress and what I can and cannot handle. Not a problem.. She is strong she can take everything we dump on her. I might add about these cousins. One is 30+ and married with two children. One is 28 and has been living with her boyfriend for 5 years. One is 24 and soon will be celebrating her 1st anniversary with her husband who is in Med School. The fourth cousin is in his 4th year of university.
No, I do not think that we want anyone worrying until we know what are dealing with but………….They are not 5 year olds. Don`t we all deserve the respect of knowing the truth. No, now I am tasked with being one of the gate keepers in protecting their outlook and stress levels. Who the hell cares about mine or my husbands.
And this is the reason why we do not venture far and spend more time at home……………because that is one of the ways we can limit how much stress we let in. Damned if you do and damned if you don`t….
Phewww. Thank you for letting me vent and tantrum is over. TGIF!