Four years ago today was “C”‘s official due date.
Four years of longing. Four years of wishing and dreaming.
56 cycles with 55 ending in nothing and one in a miscarriage.
I look toward the future. I still hope and dream. I am not ready yet to say that I am done and to close up shop. Not that the shop is working anyway but as long as you keep it open there is still a chance right??
Yippee skip it is not the first of the week and not the end.
I have made it through yet another Monday. I look forward to Friday and I wonder what the rest of the days in between will be.
You know what I mean when I say you know all about it but yet even those closet to you make judgement calls and assumptions that you know nothing about a subject? I agree on many levels that we do not discuss our lives even with most of our closest family members. Only a handful of people know that we are TTC. That we have not been actively preventing pregnancy since the death of our son.
My cousin was visiting the other day. She and her husband are having fertility issues. He is undergoing surgery next week. She recently had HSG with Methylene Blue testing done. She told me in detail what they do, how sick she was and how much it hurt. I let her tell her story. When she was finished I said I know. I got my first blank stare.
I agreed it was not the most pleasant procedure and that I cramped and bleed after mine. But, all in all, that was not the worst of the day. That was the first time I had set foot in the hospital I lived in for 19 days. The same hospital my son died in. She just stared at me like I had three heads. I said imagine checking in, having to go for blood work and sit for 30 minutes waiting for some random nurse to inform you that you can proceed because YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT. Then heading in to strip naked and sit with your a$$ sticking to a stupid chair for 90 minutes waiting for the OBGYN to come and do the procedure. She is late as she is tied up in the delivery room. You are so glad to hear of someone else’s joy but there it is again that stab into your heart. It isn’t you. It was you 16 months ago. But that is another story. (You can read about it here. Our Story & Our Story Part 2.) You are 3 floors down with your fat a$$ stuck to a chair.
I will speak freely with her in hopes that maybe our experiences may help them in their TTC journey. However, I will not do so with many others. I am not able. I cannot face the judgements, the questions. You would think by now that I would be used to such things. I am not. I know that we need to speak out, to be heard, to help others. I try every day. But ultimately I am scared and just too weak. I apologize for that.
But tomorrow is a new day and maybe tomorrow it will be different.
Well. I took another dive….. Well that is how it feels. Who knows how or what will come of it but after having read a bit it cannot hurt.
Let’s just say I am curvy. Bahaha. (My husband especially likes a handful of them) I have low to moderate high blood pressure. It runs 120-130 over 70-85. Last week was 123 over 82. So really not too bad but with my family history of hypertension etc I have been on low does BP’s for a while as a preventative measure.
I was B12 deficient for some time and on shots for 5 years before pregnancy. Although, during pregnancy my B12 evened out and my Thyroid went to crap. (Thyriod runs rampant through my family. Mother, 3 aunts, 1 uncle, and currently 10 of us grandchildren on meds).
I do not have diabetes. I had ++ sugar spillage in my urine throughout my pregnancy. I did not develop Gestational, although I gave birth at 28w so who knows what could have happened. I was diagnosed with a glucose intolerance while pregnant. My sugars were between 6 and 7 in the AM on a 12 hour turn around. Usually throughout the day I would be in the low 5’s and often at 2 hours PC test would be below 5 often in the 4.1 – 4.5 range. So overall good and frankly I was not worried about the spillage because I felt it was being flushed so YAY! One of my DR’s did not have the same happy feeling. Hahaha..
Throughout my many blood works my markers have always been good for ovulation. Having had many tests and surgery, they were good as well.
So goes the life of an Infertile with unexplained infertility…
A few weeks ago my Dietician brought up the M word again. (Metformin) My OB had discussed with this prior to my first pregnancy but by a miracle we manage on our own.
I had an appointment to renew my other meds and just casually asked if he felt I was a candidate for Metformin. Mind you it was a fishing expedition in itself as I did not bother to bring up the P word, the F word or the B word. (pregnancy, fertility and baby) I let him think it was the s word. Sugar.. Hahaha.. I just could not have that conversation with him on this day. I was not emotionally prepared to hear anything negative. I just felt that hey it will not harm me and with my family history, current weight and sugars it could be a benefit and all around preventative measure. I picked them up last week. I am 7 days in.
Who is to know if this might give me a jump. If it might help all those things that do not work on the inside maybe create that one good chance for a host environment for my last-ditch effort to have another child?
Fingers crossed. Time is running out. Here goes nothing!
Fear has taken over and I am self-sabotaging weight loss, trying to get healthy, calling Social Services to put our name on adoption list. I am scared of out of MIND! We have had to give one child back… Cannot live with having to do it again. What few eggs I do have are getting OLD…. Scared to keep trying as the fear of unknown, birth defects, another miscarriage, another pre-term labor and NICU stay. Fear of it all. How does one negotiate through all of this?? The biggest parts of me just say tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow I will get up, shower, get dressed, go to work, and then come home… Once again not answering any of the above…
June, 2010 I took my last BC pill.
Nov, 2011 I found out I was preg
April 2012 I gave birth 12 weeks early to our son
May 2012 Our son passed away
July 2012 was his due date
Sept 2013 I had surgery to explore infertility options
Jan 2014 I had a miscarriage
Today is May 14, 2015 and I am not pregnant.
That is a lot of TTC, sheets and sheets of papers writing down cycles, dates, BBT, BFN, thinking it is BFP, DPO, checking EDD, wishing for EDD, HPT, LP, researching IVF, IUI, O, MC, CS, International Adoption, Domestic Adoption. Yes, been there done that… doing it….. I am an expert in it.
Despite it all there is that part deep down to the left that says God will not leave me here. He will not let me finish my life as a mother with empty arms..
I sit here at my desk today and look ahead. I Have spent the last 4 months scared to look ahead due to the number I will be turning. Also, the likelihood that I may be able to achieve the pregnant status again.
I am done with that. I am looking ahead. I have almost 7 months to get this goal completed. I have added a little counter in the side column to remind me that I do have goals. I am worth these goals. I will kick this goal in the ASS!
My goal is to be expecting before New Years Eve. There I said it out loud! Here is to hoping I am an overachiever! Hahaha.
I have reblogged this as I feel it is subject we often remain too quiet on. I want this to reach as many people as possible.
I am truly saddened by the ignorance of Ms. Kay`s statement. I want to thank “My Perfect Breakdown“ for an amazing response to the column. You have great strength and courage. More of us need to find our voice. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you Ms. Kay. Thank you for taking the time to write the article entitled IVF for Obese Women is a Wish, Not a Right on the current debate surrounding obese women and In Vetro Fertilization (IVF) treatments in Canada. I thank you, not because I agree with you, because in fact, I most definitely do not agree with most of your comments about IVF. But, I did want to thank you for taking the time to write a passionate, well written column on that national scene, unfortunately on something you clearly don’t know much about. And, even more so, I suspect have never been impacted by.
First, let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am not an obese women and I am not a candidate for IVF, instead, no-one can help me with my “infertility” issue which is costing the tax payers of this country a very…
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Still nothing………..Is this the first sign that this hope is completely over? That what small chance there was for us to have a second child is and has dried up. I am not yet ready to face that. It has been in the back of my mind for some time. I had hoped that I had one more chance. Tomorrow will be cd37.