Posts tagged “unknown

The Future Part 2

Fear has taken over and I am self-sabotaging weight loss, trying to get healthy, calling Social Services to put our name on adoption list.  I am scared of out of MIND!  We have had to give one child back…  Cannot live with having to do it again.  What few eggs I do have are getting OLD….   Scared to keep trying as the fear of unknown, birth defects, another miscarriage, another pre-term labor and NICU stay.  Fear of it all.   How does one negotiate through all of this??  The biggest parts of me just say tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow I will get up, shower, get dressed, go to work, and then come home…  Once again not answering any of the above…

Facts

June, 2010 I took my last BC pill.

Nov, 2011 I found out I was preg

April 2012 I gave birth 12 weeks early to our son

May 2012 Our son passed away

July 2012 was his due date

Sept 2013 I had surgery to explore infertility options

Jan 2014 I had a miscarriage

Today is May 14, 2015 and I am not pregnant.

That is a lot of TTC, sheets and sheets of papers writing down cycles, dates, BBT, BFN, thinking it is BFP, DPO, checking EDD, wishing for EDD, HPT, LP, researching IVF, IUI, O, MC, CS, International Adoption, Domestic Adoption.  Yes, been there done that…  doing it….. I am an expert in it.

Despite it all there is that part deep down to the left that says God will not leave me here.  He will not let me finish my life as a mother with empty arms..


The Future

You know when we were young, we always looked ahead. Wondering what is out there for us.

I do not remember the last time that I looked ahead. A time when I wondered what may be. I have never been one to walk to far outside the lines. I am scared. What if I screw up? What if it is a detriment to my reality? I have always gingerly checked things out for myself and headed in with good knowledge and what I hoped were sound decisions.

I have no knowledge of the future. I have no knowledge of tomorrow. I do not look ahead. No, I am too scared to do that. Kind of feels like being in a rubber dingy floating around. Sometimes you bump something and it just propels you in the opposite direction or a new path. Will this be ok for me? Will it be ok for my husband? Can we just float and be fine from now on? Well if nothing else at least I am not alone in the boat. However, I hope like H the boat doesn’t get a hole as he cannot swim………..

But never fear. I can tread for days we will be just fine…..


Lately…

Those of you that belong to the “Club” know the meaning of I am great…

That is the go to answer for all questions. How are you? How was your week? How are you handling things? How do you feel? The list continues.

This is my answer for all lately. I am great. Well that is all that really matters. Some would have the opinion that I am not great. However I belong to the “Club”. I get up each day, I get dressed, I work for a number of hours…usually more than the required 8. I do some laundry when the drawers look empty, I clean when it needs it. My husband has something to eat throughout the day. No, it may not be a meat and potato meal but it is something. Can of soup, grilled cheese, noodles, what have you.. Does it really matter? I try to remember to consult my bill calendar, and pay them on time.

After three years I am still not able to maintain a schedule. I cannot even fathom when or if that will ever happen again. Gone are the days of leaving work, running the errands on the way home. Doing housework, laundry and having a warm meal on the table when my husband arrives home. All before 8 pm and still having time to hit the treadmill, watch some TV or read.

Each and every part of yourself changes. Your outlook, your wants, your needs. Nothing will ever be the same again. Despite it all, most in our lives do not understand it still. They cannot understand why this would be a hard month for us. Why we suffer from insomnia. Why when I come home Friday night I make sure I go to the store so that when I close the door, I do not have to leave the house again until Monday morning.

I have an announcement. I believe that I am great. I got up today. I got dressed in clean clothes, went to work, paid the bills and fed my husband.

Who are they to question if I am great or not?


What is my postscript?

PS_I_Love_You_(film)

Yes, admittedly I am a sap. It is what it is. Just, I ask of you do not tell many as I keep that under close wrap.

I just finished watching P.S. I Love You. Yes, it most likely is the, who knows how many, time.  As with all of my favorites, I cry, I giggle, I cry, I cry…. I cry some more..

I have seen this movie +++++ times and perhaps due to my position or circumstance in life I never really took notice of these lines.  These were from the scene in the park where Patricia gives Holly, Gerry’s last letter.  They have a brief conversation and the below lines are part of it.

Patricia: You know the worst thing for a parent… second after losing a child? Watching your child head for the same life you had. You can’t stop it. It’s a terrible, helpless feeling. Makes you angry all the time. And I’ve been angry. For a very long time. I’m exhausted.

Holly Kennedy: Do you think we’ll ever see dad again?

Patricia: No sweetheart, never. So you have to stop waiting.

Here, hidden with the depths of a love story and the life after the loss of a spouse you have those all important words.   Well, I understand that those words are not as important to all  as they are to me.  But to me they mean so very much.  As it is the life that I live.  And there deep in a random movie are the words that many of us experience every day.

Watching it, this evening, was quite fitting.  I have been wondering, dreaming, stressing, wishing on what my future will be.. What is to be my postscript? One could say that my life has been a series of P.S.’   Not all P.S.’ are necessarily what you would hope that they would be.  But in the end they are what you choose them to be and that is the point really isn’t it?  If…….you do not like what your P.S. is saying then all you have to do is add a P.S.S.!

Wishing you all well as you use your P.S.S.  Stay tuned for what mine will be!

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The Road Ahead

The Road Ahead

We all follow a path in life.  At times the path is scenic and serene like this one.

Sometimes is it not.